RELATIONSHIP and sex therapist Professor Karen Carpenter is of the view that the majority of people who cheat do it because they want to feel differently about themselves, others do it as a cry for help, and some do it because they feel entitled.

In fact, in an interview with the Jamaica Observer the Florida board-certified clinical sexologist and licensed counselling psychologist shared that every one of us is capable of cheating.

“If you want to see a cheater, just get a mirror,” she said.

When couples ask for her clinical opinion as a sex and relationship therapist, Professor Carpenter said one of the first questions she asks is: ‘How did you find out?’

She disclosed that the way a person finds out their partner is cheating tells a lot about the act.

“If you found out because the person left breadcrumbs, chances are there’s a problem in the relationship — they’ve been signalling to you and you have not paid attention, and they make it so public that they’re not even cleaning up the breadcrumbs, you find out.

“They actually want you to do something about what’s going on in the relationship,” she said, adding that these people cheat as a cry for help or as a warning.

Pointing out that people who cheat are not horrible, the director for Caribbean Sexuality Research Group Sexology Clinic at University Hospital of the West Indies said the majority of people who cheat are trying to recapture something that they no longer have in the relationship.

“They want to be seen as special by someone; they want the excitement of the chase — whether they’re chasing or being chased — and that makes them feel alive.

“Quite frankly, an affair can make you feel very alive, and often it’s not about a comparison between the person they’re with steadily and the person they’re cheating with — absolutely not.

“You’ll find that most people aren’t comparing, ‘Oh, I’m with this person and that person is better.’ They’re actually saying, ‘I feel better when I’m with the other person because this person tells me things I like. This person doesn’t have the kids; this person doesn’t have to do dirty dishes’… the everyday living things, and, therefore, it feels exciting and vibrant and they feel alive,” she explained to Sunday Observer.

For those who have found themselves on the receiving end of betrayal, that is, you’ve found out that your partner is cheating on you, Professor Carpenter had this to say:

“Do not discuss it with your friends, because if the two of you get back together you have laid out a history of all this person’s crimes and misdemeanours because that’s how you feel at the moment when you find out — you feel devastated.

“So, it’s not a great time to share with your girlfriends or your male friends because that’s what they remember of your relationship — and your relationship is made up of more than cheating,” she said.

She said, too, that she quizzes couples who seek help — because of infidelity — on whether or not they are committed to the relationship because if this is the case, they can work on the other aspects.

“I’m not asking you if you love the person… Most people love their partners even when they’re cheated on… that’s why it is so painful,” said Professor Carpenter.

However, if you are just contemplating being unfaithful to your partner, she suggests that you speak to your spouse about it.

“I think the first person you should tell is your partner, long before you start making plans and contemplations. If you are attracted to someone you should be able to say that to your partner; most of us don’t have that kind of relationship.

“Most of us are threatened by that information. If you want someone to be faithful to you, shouldn’t you take part in helping them to be faithful? You be the person that they can discuss it with so it doesn’t go out to the friends and the silly people who are going to advise you badly,” she suggested.

Professor Carpenter said by talking it through, an individual can accept that their partner is attracted to someone else and can look at how he or she can safeguard the relationship.

“For many people, it’s an SOS; it is a warning sign: ‘I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel valued. I don’t feel sexy. I don’t feel desirable. I don’t think you put me first.’ So we need to look at not just the symptom, which is cheating, but we need to look at the causes of the person’s feelings of not being valued in the relationship. Of course, you do have those who cheat consistently, that’s a different character,” said Professor Carpenter.