Refrain tonight

And that shall lend a kind of easiness

To the next abstinence;

The next more easy.

— Shakespeare

Based on what that quote said, if you refrain tonight, it’ll make the next bout of abstinence easier. I guess if you’re denied something, after a while it becomes easier to live without it in the future. Of course, that something is usually sex.

Last week’s article focused on the ABC of sex and the various types of sexual activity that people practice. It really got some people riled up and prompted them to respond accordingly. Most were positive, while others asked why I focus on sex so much. Well, as a wise man answered, “Because it gives me great pleasure.”

What really piqued the interest of some people, though, was the definition and practice of the moneysexual. That really got tongues wagging. Nevertheless, although sex comes in various forms and has infinite variety, it’s not the end-all and be-all of people’s existence.

I did mention the asexual, who has no use for sex at all. But there are other people who love and indulge in sex as often as they can, but are not ruled by it. There are other activities that can occupy a person’s existence.

The fact is, there are people who have never experienced sex in their entire lives, nor do they have any interest at all. I’m not referring to those poor souls though. Instead, I’m talking about people who used to indulge on a regular basis, but for some reason or another found an alternative activity, a substitute, something that also gives pleasure but has none of the emotional turmoil, guilt or pain that sex or the pursuit of it brings.

Yes, there are substitutes for sex, as we’ll find out right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Menses to menopause’.

Hi Tony,

I saw the Oprah TV show, and yeah, there’s a whole heap of crosses for a woman to bear, and it’s a hard road that women have to travel. I was always safe from my teen years up until now regarding those symptoms, except for the actual monthly cycles. I’m still safe, but I don’t know if I’m exhibiting those ‘miserable’ symptoms that menopause brings. T’was good reading.

Mrs P

Teerob,

Is how you know so much about woman business, boss? Sometimes it’s best not to reveal too much and take all the mystery out of the female experience. Now you’re spoiling everything for men, so now when I look at a woman I can’t help thinking about all those things that you wrote about. Sometimes men are better off not knowing all those details. TMI, too much information. Leave that to the gynaecologists. I learned much though.

Roger

It’s always good to have an alternative to anything, a plan B, a back-up, a substitute. That way you’re not a slave to anything or anyone, shackled and bound by your desires. Even in the field of medicine there are substitute generic drugs that work just as well, but are considerably less expensive than the brand name types.

And when buying car parts there’s a choice between genuine and the non-genuine. It’s always good to have a substitute. So if you can’t have one, you can move on to the other. Is that why men have mistresses, side chicks, mateys?

This also applies to sex, and many people have found a substitute or substitutes for this activity that used to bring them so much pleasure. There’s this school of thought that says that women find it easier to have substitutes for sex than men do. And no, I’m not talking about those hand-held contraptions or mechanical toys either, for that is still sex, just not with someone.

I’m referring to actually eliminating sex from their consciousness. Is this because women are not as sex crazed as men are, have more control, can do without for long periods of time, if not forever, really dislike it? It can be any of those factors or all of them, but the fact is, women do seem to have considerably more control and can find other things to do instead of sex.

Do your own informal poll, find out who ceases to have sex in relationships, who locks shop more — the man or the woman. Somehow it seems that men are always wanting and women are always depriving them.

Back in the old days women with strong sexual urges were always told to “Use the hot water” to suppress any sexual urges that they felt. Unfortunately, women who had strong sexual urges were often vilified, derided, and even mocked for having those feelings.

“Nymphomaniac, she has no self-control, she’s a slut, she has white liver and should be counselled.”

As a result, many women had to hide, suppress, or find a suitable alternative for those urges. Some get distracted by doing physical activities that are supposed to suppress those strong feelings of desire. They join all of the service clubs that they can, running from one activity to the next, to one board meeting, to planning meetings, to organising and arranging one thing after another. She’s so busy, running up and down that sex is the furthest thing from her mind. After a while, whatever sexual urges she had have all but disappeared from her consciousness.

“Sex, I have neither the time nor inclination for that, my dear.”

When asked, ‘So, you don’t miss it?”

“To tell the truth, I’m so busy that it’s the last thing on my mind.”

On my mind, those three words are so important to a woman’s sexuality, as sex for her starts mostly in the mind, while for a man, it starts in his loins.

Yes, in most cases a woman has to have a positive mindset before she can indulge in sex. Anything that interferes with her mind blocks those sexual feelings. That’s why women can always say, “I’m not in the mood.”

So it can be housework, children, family issues, anger, something the man did years ago, she’s unable to feel any sexual urges.

“Not tonight, dear, my mind isn’t into it.”

Not so for men though, who can jump in the saddle and ride 10 furlongs regardless of what’s going on in his mind, unless, of course, his favourite football team loses a match.

“I can’t, honey, Arsenal lose today.”

It’s been established that a woman can find a substitute for sex because it doesn’t really dominate her mind, body and soul.

“Frankly, I can live without it.”

Some may get immersed in books, living in fantasy land, while others may find great pleasure in doing housework.

Then, of course, there’s the cellphone. That’s why many men say, “I wish that I was a phone, then my wife would pay more attention to me.” Ladies answer this, a year with no sex or a year with no cellphone? After a while, sex is but a distant memory, faded into obscurity, buried in the catacombs of ancient history.

And listen, I’m not referring to women who are up in age and way past their sexual prime, but young women who, for one reason or another, find a substitute for sex.

Some say that it’s because they cannot find any suitable men and that they cannot just jump from one casual fling to another just to have sex. Others said that men just kept on using them.

“All that they wanted to do was ride like a jockey with no regards for my feelings.”

So, to avoid that ordeal, they simply gave it up and found substitutes. And speaking of jockeys and 10 furlongs, there are some women who don’t really enjoy those long bouts of sex either.

“After a while it just gets tedious and I want it to stop.”

Most times you can’t tell by looking that these women have given up on sex and found substitutes instead, despite how sexy they look. Like I told one such woman recently, “You’re like a brand new fancy sport car that’s just parked in the garage and never driven.”

But what substitutes do men have for sex? Back in the day when sailors had to endure long voyages at sea, lasting many months at times, they were given saltpetre (potassium nitrate) in order to suppress their urges. In common parlance, it cut dem nature.

In Jamaica it’s rumoured that sour orange will also cut a man’s nature. Maybe men do have a greater difficulty finding a substitute for sex, but I do recall one friend of mine telling me that he found jogging to be more pleasurable than sex. To this day I cannot stop laughing whenever I remember that statement.

The fact is, though, people can get used to almost anything after a while, and if you’re denied something, after enough time passes, you get used to not having it and adjust your expectations.

‘Love without sex is still the most efficient form of hell known to man.’ — Peter Porter

‘Sex with love is the greatest thing in life, but sex without love…that’s not so bad either.’ — Mae West

‘Sex without love is just mating, love without sex is just philosophy.’ — Unknown

‘Nobody dies from the lack of sex, it’s the lack of love that we die from.’ — Anonymous.

So whether you choose to indulge or find a substitute, the choice is yours.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Carnival in Jamaica has grown immensely from the days of Byron Lee to what is now reported to be the second-largest carnival in the region, behind Trinidad and Tobago which had a huge head start on us. It’s said to generate billions of dollars every year as it attracts thousands of revellers, vendors, onlookers, designers and others who contribute to the spectacle. The costumes are quite beautiful, exotic and daring, with some leaving very little to the imagination. Most of our ladies carry them off well, while others are brave, if not foolhardy, to even attempt to squeeze their ample bodies into those skimpy costumes, some of which can cost in excess of US$1,000. Speaking of costumes, one of the organisers said on TV that our designers weren’t up to par when it comes to designing costumes, and that most were imported. I beg to differ. Still, I like to witness the grand spectacle of our carnival.