The truth you speak

Doth lack some gentleness,

And time to speak it in,

You rub the sore,

When you should bring the plaster.

— Shakespeare

I make it a habit to observe, listen to and engage in conversations with people when it comes to the issue of relationships. It’s such a complex subject, and one that so many fail to grasp. One reason is that both men and women often fail to see or appreciate what both are going through.

Men say that women are nagging and miserable, while women say that men only have one thing on their misogynistic minds and are insensitive to their needs. It’s a question of misunderstanding, miscommunication, and mystifying conclusions by both parties.

What many women fail to grasp, though, is that men are just as sensitive, if not moreso than many women are. But they dare not show it. And what some men fail to grasp is that many women don’t even know what they themselves want when they seek to have a relationship with a man, so they keep on searching for the perfect man but when they get him they’re still not satisfied. Plus, are they in turn perfect? What do they bring to the table except their pretty looks and sexuality?

There is no quick fix, no formula, no blueprint to display to a woman and say, “Here I am, this is me, accept me for what I am.” Not at all, for after centuries of dealing with men, many women have become suspicious, jaded, wary, and tend to look out for themselves as they go into survival mode.

So to address this, I did some research, and encountered some hard truths that men should be aware of if they want to survive dealing with the opposite sex. We’ll see what they are all about, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Love or respect’.

Hey Teerob,

I really enjoyed reading your article. Those ugly facts are really happening in some relationships, therefore I agree with you and persons in your survey who said that respect should be the order of the day in any relationship. Enlightening also is the eye-opening reminder about the women’s lib movement, which definitely could be a possible impact.

PT (Miss)

Tony,

Somehow, along the way, many women have lost respect for their men. Sometimes it’s warranted, as the men don’t even respect themselves, but in many situations the women enter into a relationship with a bullying mentality; this usually shows up after the lovey-dovey, honeymoon stage feelings have worn off. She then shows her true colours and treats the man as if he’s a yard boy, especially if she has a better-paying job than him.

Robert

Now on to the hard truths that every man should take heed of, and remember. It’s often been said that nice guys finish last, and good guys only win in the movies. It’s also been proven too, hence the old saying, “Women love bad men.” But apart from those home truths that have become cliché, there are many others that men should be aware of, especially young men who are not yet privy to the ways of the world, and especially how to deal with the opposite sex.

Now, maybe back in the day when the world was young and chivalry and civility were the order of the day those rules may not have applied, but as Bob Dylan sang, “The times, they are a changing.”

‘
Come mothers and fathers throughout the land

And don’t criticise what you don’t understand

Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command

Your old road is rapidly agin’

Please get out of the new one

If you can’t lend a hand

For the times they are a changing’

The first truth is, nice men are used. That is so sad, for it’s natural for human beings to be nice to each other for the most part, and for men to be nice to women… for the most part, ulterior motives notwithstanding. But unfortunately, there are some women who take this characteristic for granted, and the more a man is nice is the more she takes him for granted.

He lavishes stuff on her, never says no, never rejects, always caters to her whims, wants, needs and desires. The result is, she takes all that niceness for granted. Do your own research. Who knows? Maybe you were a victim of this.

Shy men are ignored. That’s such a truism, and the old saying is, “Faint heart never won fair lady.” Any man who is a shrinking violet and thinks that he can lurk in the shadows and not approach the woman will be a very lonely man. You gotta go for it, you gotta make a move. That shy guy mentality from the Diana King song just doesn’t work: “I don’t want no fly guy, I just want a shy guy.“

Weak men are abused. Another truth, as we all know that the world in general and women in particular have no place for weak men. With all due respect to the
Bible and what it says about the meek shall inherit the Earth, I don’t really subscribe to that. The meek will not inherit the Earth and neither will they get any quality women.

A weak man is disrespected, abused, pushed around, cheated on, trampled. The same applies for soft men, and even though there is a subtle difference between being soft and being weak, many women do not differentiate, and treat both characteristics with equal contempt and disdain.

A soft man will avoid conflict, try to find a peaceful solution, makes peace, displays sensitivity — all of which many women will not tolerate but treat with loathing and contempt.

“He’s so soft; no matter what I do, he would never hit me.”

There are some women who will actually push the man to his limit, just to see if he will react. One man told me that his wife slapped him in his face just to get a reaction out of him. Much to his surprise, and to hers too, he promptly slapped her back.

“It was just a reflex reaction that I didn’t plan,” he told me.

The same goes for a patient man, for that patience which only Job from the
Bible could match, the woman often sees it as a sign of weakness — a softness she can exploit.

In contrast, ruthless men are respected, and I addressed this a while back when I asked the question: Is it better to be loved or respected? Almost all of the men polled said that respect was the priority. Sadly, to gain that respect some men have to be ruthless.

That takes us back to the adage that women are drawn to bad, powerful men, the cowboy type, the gangsta. Remember, it’s been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

There are men who refuse to show their women any form of affection or sensitivity, as they think they do not appreciate it. When did we become this way, when a man cannot show his woman any affection or sensitivity because she doesn’t find it attractive?

Now honesty is the best policy, they say, but many men have learnt the hard way that being totally honest with their woman often blows up in their faces. There are horror stories of men being totally honest, only to be deceived by those same women. It was Bill Withers who sang in
You.

‘
I got to take a ton of lies

Just to get an ounce of truth from you.’

Some men pay dearly for their honesty.

“I put her name on all my accounts, even opened up a new account for her, put the car in her name, and she left with everything.”

But does honesty and being gullible go hand in hand? Should a man hold back, not show his hand? But how does that make for a good relationship?

Loyal men are taken for granted. Another truth. Who’s a loyal man though? He’s the poor schmuck who never cheats on his woman, defends her every action even when she’s wrong, and forgives her indiscretions. But no good deed goes unpunished for by doing all that he’s often taken for granted. In her mind, she has him by the cojones and she can now do anything and get away with it.

Despite the bravado, machismo, and physicality of most men, it’s proven that many are emotional creatures, just like women are. Most do not show it, though, but instead put on a brave face, are stoic, have a stiff upper lip and all that, old chap, and never, ever show even a modicum of emotion.

Usually this stems from early childhood when boys weren’t supposed to cry.

“Stap de damn bawling! You aren’t a girl.”

The psychologists say that is the wrong approach, that boys should be able to show their emotions and cry if they feel like. But are they correct? I have seen it too often, where men show their emotions and the women throw it in their faces, seeing it as a weakness.

“Man up and stop snivelling.”

A woman told me that when she first saw her husband cry she viewed him differently.

“He was no longer my macho man, but a vulnerable man/boy.”

How then can we expect men to show their true feelings and emotions if that’s the reaction they get?

One man said, “I don’t even tell her that I love her.” Does the song by The Meditations ring true when they sang, “
Never let a woman know how much you love her… for she will do things to hurt you.”

Now we see how complex relationships can be, especially in this new-age world of women who view those traits as weakness. Many women no longer accept men who show any modicum of civility, sensitivity, being emotional, or shyness.

I suggest that you keep these Man Truths as a guide and make reference to them from time to time.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: What a fascinating trial now taking place in the USA with superstar music mogul P Diddy. The details are drenched with rampant sexuality, drugs and violence. No writer could have made this up. It also reaffirms that there are many sides to a story, for at first the ex-girlfriend was painted as a victim, and so she was, as far as the violence against her showed. But under testimony she admitted that she was also the initiator in some of the regular ‘freak offs’ that involved having sex with multiple male prostitutes. She also told Diddy, “I’m lost without you,” even while dating her now husband. Which only brings me back to what has been posited: Women love bad men. Still, maybe she was under his spell, much like the fictional character Svengali who had a hypnotic effect on vulnerable women. I ask the question though: Why would someone marry her, knowing all this? Or did he not know? And if he didn’t know, but is just finding out, how does he feel now?