Those you make friends

And give your hearts to,

When they once perceive

The least rub in your fortunes,

Fall away, like water from ye.

— Shakespeare, Henry VIII

FAIR weather friends we call them, those people who fall away as the quote said, at the least rub in your fortunes. In other words, when yu deh pon yu face, you know who your real friends are. Well, a friend is a serious thing, and while we are stuck with family, we can pretty much choose our friends. But we better choose carefully, for as the old saying goes, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are.”

You know how in school some children always choose a certain type of friend? No matter where they go or what school they are transferred to, they always end up with the same type of hoodlum friends. Many parents blame those friends for their child’s behaviour, when in truth and fact it is their own child who should be blamed for those other kids’ behaviour. Those ‘other’ rude boys or girls may just be your own bad pickney.

Still, there is this urge for like minds to stick together, and friendships are forged from the formative years of a child’s life. Many of those may last us all of our years, while others fall away and new alliances are established as we grow older. Even now I still have friends from way back in primary school, although I have made some great friends as an adult. Some genuine friends are made late in life.

We’ll check out true friendship right after these responses to my take on ‘Marriage edicts’.

Tony,

Despite all the circumstances, one should live his or her life as they see it. The bottom line is, be of good character, which embodies transparency, love, understanding, compromise and respect in any relationship. You don’t have to follow the dictates of the polite society, married or unmarried.

Paulette

Teerob,

Great article, as always. Wasn’t it interesting that lady was describing the behaviour of women and ascribing it to men. Picket fence, 2.2 children, puss, dawg, fish, bird; chivalry; rent, mortgage; men must pay for movies, lunch, dinner, breakfast. When the man wakes up and is no longer playing that game, the bad treatment begins. It begins even before if the lady doesn’t get what she wants. When you live in glass house…

Brian

There seems to be a need to bond with other people, to share secrets, seek advice, or just hang out and shoot the breeze. No man is an island, they say. We have casual friends, good friends, and best friends. But in-between all this are various other types of friends that make up the mosaic of our lives. The fair weather friend mentioned earlier is only there as long as your fortunes are afloat and you are perceived as somebody.

As soon as hard time reaches you, they are nowhere to be found. Suddenly your phone calls are not returned, they drive past you and conveniently do not recognise you, they forget where you live and you are no longer a member of their circle. But aha! Strike it rich, win the lotto or land a big job, get a huge promotion and see how quickly they re-enter your life. Not only do lotto winners instantly acquire friends in need, but their family instantly takes on greater proportions and — like compound interest — grows and grows and grows.

“Yu don’t remember me from way back? Is me used to help yu mother carry her bags from the market.”

Some friends take the friendship thing way too far though, and maintain an adhesion that rivals that of barnacles on a ship’s bow. They seem to think that whither thou goest, they must go too, and never give you a moment’s peace. Every move you make, every breath you take, dem deh pon yu.

“Misha, where yu going. A can’t come with yu, how yu stay so?”

If it’s church, supermarket, beach, movies, even to the toilet, they want to know where, when, how, and if they can’t come tag along too. They know not the meaning of space.

Usually it happens with women who are manless, until of course they find a man of their own. Suddenly Karen, who was as thick as thieves with Sandra, is missing in action, all because she has started to get some action herself from her new boyfriend.

She is now busy with her new man and has no time for her old-time friend.

“Whap’n to Betty, long time we nuh see har?”

“Yu nuh hear? Shi find man, mi dear.”

But let the dolly house mash up and see how fast she comes running back. All of a sudden it’s business as usual as she re-enters your life and wants to hang out. But if you find a man and want to spend quality time with him, she same one will turn around and curse you.

“Dawn, yu must not mek man run yu life yu nuh, cause when dem gone is only your true friends you have.”

Many friends use the friendship as a crutch and only to their emotional advantage. They see their friend as a repository for all of their emotional baggage and pile it on more than baggage handlers at the airport. Their lives seem to be filled with constant misery and woe as only they have problems. And they are not content to bear them stoically either as they pour out their souls into your vessel, with no regard for your feelings.

As far as they are concerned, you are perfect and quite fine in all departments, and only they have crosses to deal with. In every encounter — whether it be by phone, casual meeting or house visit — it’s the same sad tales of woe.

“My life is so hard; if I ever tell you what happen to me today. First the damn workmen didn’t start the job until midday, then they took the wrong measurement, on top of that they overcharged me for the goods, plus the car couldn’t start, then the stupid bank girl didn’t want to cash my cheque, so I just had to give her a piece of my mind, then my family start to get on my case, plus me belly start to gripe. Lord have mercy.”

Not once in the lengthy lament do they ask you about your welfare, your day because, after all, you are always quite fine and nothing ever bothers you or goes wrong with you. This will go on for years, and for some strange reason you soak it up — after all, what are friends for? But it takes it’s toll.

Some friends are forever asking favours, and it’s like you are there only to do their bidding.

“Listen, ah want you to pick me up at lunch time and carry me downtown, buy me a curry goat on your way back to me, take me to tax office and just wait while I license my car. Afterwards, just swing by the dentist then pass by the school to drop off mi son cellphone.”

If you dare to say, “Sorry, no can do today,” it’s huffing and puffing and bad looks and muttering how you’re mean.

The irony is, those people never grant favours, as they’re always too busy.

“I’d really like to help you but I can’t leave the work. You know how it go already.”

It’s a fact that there are friends who are there only to see what you have so they can carry news to their other friends. They hang around, spy around, lurk around, slink around like some CIA operative, only to go and spread the gospel according to Saint Snoop. They will even draw you into their confidence, swearing blind that your secret is safe with them. But beware, for every best friend has a best friend too.

The very worst thing that a friend can do is betray your trust, a trust that took years to build. This betrayal comes in many forms, one being relegating your friendship to the bottom of the pile. For example, they used to invite you over for socials, Christmas, New Year’s brunch or dinner, but suddenly those invitations cease because they now have new friends who they perceive to be incompatible with you or of a higher social standing. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them or been there for them, those new friends are in vogue and you’re now a pariah, dropped from the circle. And these are ‘Christian’ people too.

Then you have downright deceit and dishonesty, but the biggest one of all is when they take away your woman or your man. It’s always the best friend who runs off with your spouse, and that is the most unkindest cut of all, as Shakespeare said. All those years of sharing your trials, tribulations, trouble and strife, when all he was doing was eyeing off your wife. All those years of crying together, holding your hand, when all she was doing was checking out your man. Some friend indeed.

Still, a good friend is essential in this life, and is worth more than gold. If you happen to have a genuine friend, cherish the friendship, nourish it, don’t take it for granted or let it die, realise that it has seasons and will run hot and cold, but give thanks for a real good friend. And yes, friends can be of the opposite sex too.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: The age of consent is 16 years old in Jamaica, that means that a 16-year-old child is allowed to have sex without legal repercussions. In some countries it’s 18 years old, while in others it’s younger. And yet there are some people in Jamaica who are lobbying for the age of consent to be lowered to 14 years old. Why a big old grey back man want to have sex with a 14-year-old girl is beyond me, and yet they do. What is the justification for having sex with a child? Where will it end? will they lobby for the age of consent to be lowered to 12 after a while? In the USA if you have sex with a girl under the age of 16 you can be charged with statutory rape. Are those laws applied here? Are they enforced?