Counsellor, I am writing to you from the United States as someone who recently got married to a Jamaican man. We dated for two years, and throughout that time he has never disrespected me. The only spoke in the wheel is his child’s mother, who I have a cordial relationship with. A few weeks ago, I got a message from someone on social media, claiming to be his friend, that he was still involved with his child’s mom and was just using me. I don’t necessarily believe this, and both he and the child’s mother have denied having a relationship. I plan to have him here with me soon, but a part of me is scared, because of all the stories out there. Is there a possibility that we could beat the odds and work out? I am five years older than him.

You are emotionally involved with a man in Jamaica, who your worry may still be involved with his child’s mother, and you want to know what to do. Understood. Exposing your heart and becoming vulnerable is generally risky. Whatever the dynamic, a relationship can be risky. But yes, there’s a possibility you can beat the odds, but caution is wisdom.

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Bible says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it springs the issues of life.” Proverbs 4: 23. You have a responsibility to be careful about to whom and how you make yourself vulnerable. So don’t rush into a decision. Don’t be pressured to make a life-changing decision. Yes, take your time to assess him and the situation carefully. Look for clues as to where his heart is. Remember, it is better to walk alone than to walk with someone obstructing your path or weighing you down. It is better to be lonely than tormented.

It is better to have confidence in the condition of an empty, quiet house, than to live fearfully, having contention in that house. Junior Kelly sings, “If love so nice, tell me why it hurt so bad…” Yes, love can hurt really bad. A broken heart can rob you of your mojo; that desire and ability to do anything productive. So take the time to vet and prove his intentions, without apology. Here are some ways you can assess his commitment, love and intentions:

Accountability: Does he volunteer information? Does he update you on his plans regularly, without you asking? Does he regularly include you in the details of his day? Someone in love will want you to feel confident about what they are up to.

Availability: Are there times he is unavailable, with no clear explanation? Is he available to speak with you frequently? Outside of work or sleep, does he demonstrate that he is available to you? Does he communicate with you regularly? Someone in love cares about your details and your day and wants you to know about their day too.

Vulnerability: Does he share his feelings with you? Does he say what makes him sad, mad, glad or bad? Does he share secrets with you? Does he expose himself emotionally, and even financially to you? Someone in love becomes vulnerable to the one they love; they want to demonstrate their trust in you.

Integrity: Have you found him to be truthful? Is he open and honest with you, or have you found gaps in his stories? Does he clarify or confess when something questionable happens? Someone in love works to build trust and mutual dependency.

Consistency: Is he consistent with his words and actions? Is he reliable? Have you proven that you can count on him, on his word, or on his promise? Someone in love works to demonstrate reliability to the one they love.

You’re making plans that will impact the rest of your life. Don’t be pressured. Assess carefully and then make your decision. As an American president once said, “Trust, but verify”. Follow that advice.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.

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