The meaning of life

Is to find your gift,

The purpose

Is to give it away.

— Shakespeare

There are some people who give nothing — they are takers, not givers — and are likened to the star apple fruit that would prefer to wither and die on the tree rather than fall to the ground and offer sustenance to a hungry soul. They offer nothing, they give nothing, they bring nothing. All that they come with is “dem two long hand”, as we say here in Jamdung.

There’s this old story about this king who wanted to celebrate a bumper wine-producing year, so he decided to throw a party in the town square. He would provide the food, but his only request was that the people each pour a cask of wine into the fountain, so that all would have a constant flow for the party. Well, one smart guy thought to himself, “Why should I waste my wine? I’ll just pour in a cask of water, no one will notice as everyone else will be pouring their wine.”

Lo and behold, when the king turned on the fountain, it was not wine, but only water that poured forth, as all the townspeople had the same idea.

It’s the same way when people have parties and request that you bring a bottle or some food and you don’t, hoping that no one will notice. Well, it’s noticed, just as in relationships where people enter them and bring nothing at all or bring too much of what is not wanted.

We’ll see how and why, right after these responses to my views on ‘Work phobia’.

Teerob

When I saw the title ‘Work phobia’ I immediately thought the article was about married women or long time, sometimes not even that long, girlfriends who lock shop once they are hired. They are prime examples of false advertising as they look sexy but have a phobia of sex.

Brian

Tony,

Not only is there a work phobia, but many people want to get rich quick without having to work. They’re even too lazy to thief properly like old-time robbers, but prefer to stay behind their computers and siphon money from other people’s accounts. It’s such a lazy way of stealing, with no effort on their part. Work phobia is right.

Marjorie

We all have a past and, even if we enter relationships as virgins, we carry some degree of baggage that often tarnishes it. Some of this baggage comes in the form of children — who are innocent victims but somehow get drawn into the emotional maelstrom. It’s always great when the man meets the woman at first, until he discovers that she has two or three kids living abroad or in the country parts with her granny. Sometimes they live with her, but he is so blinded by his passion that he sees no problem. Well, she has brought those kids to the relationship party, so he better start dancing and let them have a good time. Many men can’t handle this instant family scenario and freak out.

This has posed a problem to many people, as women complain that the men brought nothing to the relationship and are unwilling to contribute anything either. Kids are tangible, visible, present, but so many people bring invisible stuff to the party that the session must flop. Some men bring the baggage of the string of babymothers who the current lady only finds out about many months after. The burden that he bears not only weighs him down, but sinks the new woman as well, as the emotional and financial strain is a heavy load on them. Women have expressed how after a while the relationship ‘spoil’, as he just brought too many problems with him.

Apart from kids, some people bring relatives, and, as you know, nothing spoils a relationship like relatives hanging around. I know of so many cases, like this young lady who was seeing this guy, but couldn’t cease from playing social hostess every night to her divorced father and his business associates. She brought that to the relationship, so after a while the young man left in despair, unable to compete. Or this other lady who has been stuck with not only her husband’s sister, but the sister’s kids as well, who came to stay for a few weeks but ended up growing up in her house. Even when they moved house, they tagged along. Those are things brought to the relationship that’s bound to mash it up.

Some women enter into relationships with hang-ups from their past that are bound to ruin the party. Many of these hang-ups are of a sexual nature, and I pity the poor man who experiences this. So many men have lamented that, after the initial first few weeks, that was it, shop lock, as their wives ceased from having anything physical to do with them, except occasionally, like on his birthday.

When you check out her past, you then discover all sorts of sexual hang-ups and dislike of sex that only experienced sexologists could explain to you. Some were abused by family members, male and female, resulting in them being turned off sex forever. Others were told that sex is taboo, not to be enjoyed, while some just lacked affection in their childhood and now have a fear of intimacy. Still, in order to land a man, they have to fake it. After her mission is accomplished, it’s back to normal, her normal, and he is left to fend for himself. It’s a common scenario, as many couples are living lives without any form of intimacy.

Some women are perennial virgins as they take the vow of celibacy even while involved in a relationship. It’s a terrible gift to bring to a relationship. “If I knew you hated sex I would never have married you.” If you learnt why some men stray, you would not condemn, but offer sympathy instead.

But it’s the men who take the cake, or worse, to relationships. I have lost count of the women who have told me how their men entered into relationships and either carried nothing at all, just “dem two long hand”, or carried too much of the wrong thing. Much of what they bring is caused by mothers of these men, who brought them up spoilt rotten, doing everything for them, giving them everything, making them their de facto husbands, then send them out into the world to cohabit with women.

These ‘man-boys’ bring nothing to the relationship, except the legacy of being spoilt. They can’t even peel an orange, much less iron a shirt. After all, “Mommy always did that for me, so why can’t you?” Everywhere I go I hear the same lament, how these selfish men “tek up wid people daughter” and offer nothing to the relationship. They just walk in “wid dem two long hand” and expect the party to swing. They are selfish beyond belief and believe that having entered the woman’s life, all they have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy the fun. They bring no compassion or sense of compromise.

“Hey. listen, is so yuh come meet me, is so I stay from morning, so just stop de nagging and accept me for what I am.”

He, in turn, though, expects her to bring everything to the session. She must bend, flex, contort, change her ways to suit him.

What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring sensitivity? For some reason, many men avoid being sensitive like the plague, as they think that it shows weakness. Okay, maybe some women don’t appreciate it and trample all over the men, as some guys have expressed. But the majority of women polled yearn for a sensitive man.

“He gives me everything, car, jewellery, house, and land, you name it. But the one ingredient that I wished he would have brought is just a dash of sensitivity. The irony is an insensitive man does not know that he is insensitive… to him his behaviour is quite normal.

It swings both ways, as so many women come to the party expecting to eat and drink to their hearts’ content without contributing anything at all. And I’m not talking about money either, even a little moral support would do. Instead, it’s all about them and what they are doing. They show no interest in the man’s work, his career, his friends, or his interests. They bring nothing to the party, yet expect to eat and drink.

So take stock as you enter into relationships, what do you bring to the party? You must bring something, not just “yuh two long hand”. Try not to make it impact negatively, or your partner may just dance elsewhere. Remember the term, ‘Beware of Greeks bearing gifts,’ and also remember the story of the Trojan horse. Sometimes it’s better if they had come “wid dem two long hand”, rather than bring crosses. More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: World Cup fever is on, and everyone is supporting various teams with much emotion. What I’ve noticed is the wide racial diversity among many teams, with so many traditionally one-race teams having mixed race and black players showcasing their talent. USA has an almost fully black team; England, France, Brazil, Spain, Japan, Norway, Sweden, Australia, New Zealand, Netherlands, Uruguay, Switzerland, Belgium, Germany, Canada, and some I may have missed all have a significant number of black and mixed race players representing them. I love to see that, as it shows the diversity of races on the world football stage. None on the Argentine team, though. Hmmm.