Counsellor, I know I may sound like a fool, but hear me out. Six years ago I started dating a man who was married, but separated. He said he didn’t have funds for a divorce, plus he didn’t want to leave his kids and the house he and his wife had purchased. We maintained a relationship ever since, and three years ago I had his child. Our child spends time at his home, and his wife treats her well. He said they have maintained a cordial, friendly, platonic relationship, all for the sake of their children. They also have several successful businesses together. I recently found out that his wife is pregnant again, and confirmed that it’s his child. He brushed me off when I asked about it, and said he has all right to grow his family. I feel like I’m in a concubinage, and want a family for myself, and didn’t expect all this at all. What do you think my options are? When I tell him that I want to find someone for myself, he said he is fine with stepping back when that happens, and will support my decision as long as the man treats his daughter well. I’m so hurt and confused.

You are in a relationship with a married man with whom you have a child, and you do not think that he is very interested in the relationship any longer. Understood. You do not sound like a fool. Your situation is not uncommon. My immediate response is to remind you not to put yourself down. The ‘future you’ will require both resilience and self-confidence from the ‘present you’.

REV CHRIS BRODBER

It’s important for you to grasp just how amazing you are. I hope you can pursue clarity about your immeasurable worth and your dynamic potential. I guarantee that you can have an adventurous and amazing future if you embark on a journey of self-discovery. You’ll easily solve the predicament you’re in once you discover your true worth and realise your potential.

The grandeur of the biblical gospel message is exactly this, simply, “You are amazing”; “You’re broken, but don’t doubt what you’re worth”. Discovering what and who you are, as created by God’s design, can free you from settling for what is beneath you. Discover who you are: A uniquely amazing individual with unique abilities and potential. Discover what you are: A dynamic part of a collective of triune beings, called human beings, very limited in number, made in God’s image. So, understand that you’re way too amazing to settle for this present situation.

Yours is the painful reality of getting involved with someone who was not absolutely available. A married person is not available!! Never commit to anyone who cannot fully commit to you. Choose wisely hereafter! You are worthy to be selected and celebrated, not regulated and accommodated. Yes indeed, you’ll need someone for yourself!

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You are realising that many men, promising the world, will not leave their wives. Now you have to demonstrate your resilience and confidence, and play the hand you are dealt well. You’re hurting, understood. But for the sake of the best version of yourself, and for the sake of your child, shake it off! You’ve had a bad experience. Learn the lesson. Graduate. Move on! Make a decisive break. Create clear boundaries for all contact with this man going forward. He indicated he will give you the support needed, so accept that and explain the boundaries. Make it clear, and stick to it!!

This is your only prudent option: Look diligently about your own well-being and your child’s well-being. It is great that your child gets to spend quality time with her father and stepmother. And that she’s treated well. That gives you the room you need to pursue various opportunities. I am quite confident that the rest of your life can be the best of your life.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.