Counsellor, I have been married for a year and my husband is a stalker. He watches my every move, has the location turned on on my phone, and even has other people watching me. I go to work and he checks up on me to see what I am doing each day, and drops me off and picks me up. We don’t go anywhere, because the last time we did, he almost got into a physical fight because another man was staring at me. I feel like a child. If I smile, he wants to know why. I am so miserable. I do love him, but I don’t know if I want to live like this for the rest of my life. Other men are interested in me, and I don’t want to cheat, but I feel shackled.

Your husband has been jealous and controlling, and it is affecting you. Understood. What you have described would indeed torment any mature person. Here’s the reality for those who operate like your husband: this behaviour pushes your loved one towards the very thing you fear, which is someone else’s arms. This deep insecurity destroys what you are trying to hold on to.

I would ask you if you hadn’t seen these signs before getting married, and if you took the opportunity to go through premarital counselling. Stalking and being controlling, and other acts of jealousy are red flags that must absolutely be dealt with before marriage. This is a form of abusive behaviour that can easily spiral!

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The actions and words of a jealous partner always communicate their own instability and insecurity. They don’t realise it, but they are communicating a subconscious fear that their partner should not really be choosing them. They unknowingly communicate that they feel someone else may be better for you. They don’t feel they’re actually good enough, often, while they rant about how special they are, and how lucky you are. Your husband absolutely needs healing from deep insecurity and fear.

My advice:

Plan a pow-wow: You’ll need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. Let him know that he’s destroying your relationship with his distrust and insecurity. True intimacy cannot happen where distrust exists. I suggest that you create a nice setting for this critical talk; maybe over a special romantic dinner. Let him know how much you love him and want the marriage to work. But be clear that you can’t accept this situation. Think through what boundaries will work for you, and tell him what they are. Then think through how you will respond if he violates your boundaries, and let him know. Your options could be calling for an intervention from family and friends, or a withdrawal from roles you’ve previously played. Or, a period of separation.

REV CHRIS BRODBER

Secure yourself: Do not imbibe any sense of insecurity or dependency. Watch out for words that may come at you to belittle you. Be alert to taunts designed to make you feel in adequate, incapable and unaccomplished. Identify them and respond respectfully but appropriately. Make sure you do not abandon your support network. Don’t over-share with others, but keep support persons on speed dial. It will be important to show your husband that you have a strong support system. And if you feel physically threatened at any time, do not second-guess yourself, but put distance between the two of you. Have a plan for if your effort at change fails.

Schedule counselling: Get immediate counselling support. You should individually get help. And sit with a counsellor as a couple. It should be a requirement you make. Your marriage needs immediate experienced intervention if it is to be salvaged. He needs to be helped and held accountable, and you may need help mitigating your own insecurities. Expect to spend time addressing this issue. One session with a counsellor won’t be sufficient.

I pray that your husband can find healing, and that both of you can find the joy you deserve. I pray also that the rest of your lives can indeed be the best of your lives.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.