Counsellor, My husband has diabetes, high blood pressure and prostate issues, which combined, make him unable to perform certain husbandly functions. It’s not that I don’t believe in ‘sickness and health…’, but I think that if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t have the patience that I have. He is just 50 years old, and refuses to take his medications, choosing instead a lot of roots, tonics and herbs that are not working. Are these grounds to go outside the relationship? He won’t listen to common sense and I see no point in acting as the dutiful wife, when he is deliberately driving himself to his death.

Your husband is unwell and not seriously paying attention to his health, and it is frustrating you to the point that you are considering an affair. Understood. You have made an important reference to marriage vows and “sickness and health”. Understand, vows facilitate important guardrails for a marriage. And yes, it’s wise to refer to them ever so often. When all is well in a relationship, couples establish parameters based on expectations, through vows. So I’m glad you went there.

When the vows were said, you had no clue what kind of sickness could come, or what the responses to it might be. But you committed. And I would suppose you did not make any reference to “the appropriate response” from your partner to being sick. Did you establish conditions for being faithful? You probably simply indicated to each other, “I will be there for you”. And that’s beautiful and powerful. But it must be meaningful!

REV CHRIS BRODBER

You are correct to be very upset about the situation. What I would not advise or want to seem to endorse is quickly throwing in the towel or choosing infidelity. You are correct; neglecting his health is bad, sad, and would make any caring wife mad. Natural remedies can be useful, but doctors give prescriptions for a reason. He should have consulted you first and possibly gotten another professional opinion about his options.

But if you both said traditional vows, he would have said: “To have and to hold”. That’s his commitment to you, to be faithfully there for you. Not taking care of himself is, in effect, “cheating” you and breaking his vows. If he can’t “have and hold” because if he’s been trying something for a while and knows it’s not working, then he’s violating a vow. You married him with the expectation that he would meet your needs. You agreed to become his wife expecting his maturity, responsibility, accountability, and cooperation.

Yes, if a spouse does not take care of themselves, to the extent that they cannot play their role consistent with expectations and their vows, they are disrespecting their spouse, vows, and marriage. Now this doesn’t mean you should “go outside the relationship”. In the spirit of the exchange of vows, you should try your best to fix things, patiently and diligently. Remember, “better or worse”.

He’s also violating “to love and to cherish”. But he may still need your patience. Though he has effectively broken his vows first, that doesn’t mean you “call Tyrone”. Yes, you’re upset, and deserve to be sexually fulfilled, but do everything in your power to stand by him. Now, if you’ve done so, and your conscience is clear, then you’d have to communicate to him your decision to end the relationship before you think of starting a new one.

It is also concerning that you think he wouldn’t be there for you if roles were reversed. It’s apparent that both of you need to schedule a period of counselling immediately. Get in touch. And consider joining “The Relationship Room” group. It’s free, and it helps couples stay accountable to each other and well-balanced. Get in touch for more information.

I pray that the rest of your lives will be the best of your lives.

 

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.