YOUNGER BEAU hurting my head
Dear Counsellor,
I have been in a relationship with a young man for a year and eight months. He’s seven years younger than I am. I guess we have moved past the honeymoon stage because he’s a totally different person from the man he was a month ago. The texts and calls are not as frequent as before. Phone calls are short with a quick ‘love you’ at the end. The visits have been reduced to once per week.
I keep asking if he’s found someone else or if he’s back with his baby’s mother, but he keeps denying it. He recently lost his job but before that he kept blaming his absence on hard times and not feeling comfortable because he’s not able to provide for me. My sixth sense keeps screaming, ‘Baby mother’, and my intuition is never wrong. She doesn’t work and his son’s welfare is left up to him.
He’s very paranoid and whatever I do, he claims I’m cheating. Sometimes I get fed up with his behaviour as I’m doing nothing wrong. He’s the first man I have ever been with who showered me with love. That’s why it hurts so much now. When he visits he’s warm and affectionate, but when he leaves, the next day he hardly pays me any mind. This wasn’t the person I met. I have made up my mind to walk away; I don’t think I deserve this. I just need another opinion.
When the novelty of the relationship wears off, and when, as they say, “the rubber hits the road”, there is a tendency for one or both partners to relax the efforts that were exerted during the dating period. For some men, once they have accomplished their objective, which is to conquer the woman, they lose interest as the intrigue no longer exists. For many, settling down and commitment were never on the cards, much to the disappointment of the women.
As you try to make sense of the gentleman’s dramatic change in behaviour, you have attributed the change to his possible reconciliation with the mother of his child. You could be right, but you could be far from the truth. Do you have sufficient evidence to make such a claim? Going by your sixth sense alone is not sufficient. Be careful about making wild accusations.
You seem to have dismissed his explanation regarding his inability to provide for you as his reason for withdrawing his attention. Men are socialised to believe that they are providers and when they are unable to provide because of certain circumstances, they become emotionally wounded and choose to ‘tek weh’ themselves.
It could be that the gentleman is in a depressed state as he deals with his situation and has no interest in doing the things he normally does, like texting and calling you.
If this is the case, then as an understanding and loving mate you should appreciate his position and sympathise with him. If you believe he was genuine in his love and affection for you before, then it is safe to assume that the change is due to an event that has impacted him, such as a job loss.
Some men, when they find themselves in a predicament like unemployment, become insecure and accuse the women of being unfaithful. If he had a jealous streak before, it would intensify. The thinking is that the woman will find interest in someone else who can provide financially.
So as you make up your mind to walk away from the relationship, do ensure you are on sound grounds and that you will have no regrets.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com
