Is he the one you should settle down with?
KNOWING whether or not your partner is the one is not as easy as it sounds. Frogs come wrapped in princely costumes, and often, it will take years before the wrapping totally comes off. It’s these wasted years that many people regret, as they initially date and get serious with mates they believe are ideal, who then disappoint.
Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said the deciding period should encompass keen observation of your partner to know whether he or she is really the person for you.
“The dating period should be used to observe and note the good and bad qualities of the person. If he or she is someone you are considering for a long-term relationship, then greater scrutiny would be done,” Powell said.
“There are some qualities you will give a passing grade while others you will give an F. The decision you have to make is, ‘Do I accept the person with the shortcomings? Do I make certain compromises and lower my standards, or do I outrightly reject those shortcomings?’ “
Below, Powell highlights a few good signs and red flags to look out for when making the decision to settle down and possibly marry.
1. Tolerance
Assess how well the individual is able to tolerate your family members and how well your family members tolerate the person. “If he or she gets on reasonably well with your parents and siblings and in some instances makes an effort to reach out even though they may not be personable, it’s a good sign.”
2. Commitment
According to Powell, if he or she shows a sense of commitment and dedication to the relationship, especially during challenging times, it shows that the individual cares and is serious about your well-being. You want someone who’s willing to make things work and who will display ‘for better or for worse’ before taking the vow.
3. Ambition
Self-development should always be a top priority, Powell said. “If your partner displays a sense of ambition and a determination for personal development, it’s a good sign.”
4. Similar values and interests
It is important that your morals and beliefs are the same. If not, you will find that you disagree more when it comes to decision making.
5. Shared resources
In any relationship shared responsibility is important. As long as you’re capable, help out. Selfishness will take you nowhere.
Signs he or she is not the one
1. Abuse
According to Powell, abuse, whether physical, verbal or emotional should never be accepted. If this persists, it’s your cue to move on.
2. Uncommitted
If the individual does not express commitment or show it, chances are he or she is not serious about the relationship.
3. Mean
While you may earn your own money, financial dependence of some sort may arise. If your partner is unwilling to help out or even foot a bill at a restaurant, he or she won’t change their miserly tendencies.
4. Tendency to ‘stray’
You can look at a menu without ordering, but if he or she is constantly looking and engaging other individuals, loyalty and trust become compromised. It may be an indication of infidelity in the future.
5. Laziness
Unwillingness to help is usually a major issue. If your partner expects you to cook, wash, clean and iron all the time then there’s no compromise. That’s a deal breaker. Dealing with a lazy partner will drain you mentally and physically. You will become overworked and stressed.
As a guide, Powell suggests one rule of thumb. “Don’t ignore the ‘red flags’. They mean you should stop, look, listen before you proceed too far down the road.”
He added that marriage won’t change an individual, and if personal issues aren’t addressed before the knot is tied, he or she will believe you have accepted their ‘baggage’. Powell recommends premarital counselling to address issues of doubt.
— Kimberley Hibbert
