Love is a lie

THE success of a marriage is linked to many predictors — money; having children; the dating period before tying the knot; a healthy sex life; and for others, true love.

But while these predictors may work for some, at least temporarily, the divorce and separation figures tell a story that the respected institution is more of a lie than a happily-ever-after achievement.

From popular secular to Christian couples, it seems divorcing has become the new black. The latest shocker has been the split between actor Chris Rock and his wife Malaak after 19 years of marriage. They were not the first celebrity couple to call it quits in 2014 — so did Clint Eastwood, Food Network’s the Neelys, Mariah and Nick Cannon, and a bunch of others whose marriages seemed solid.

While repeating marriage vows, the phrase ’til death do us part’ translates to couples being together forever, but Dr Karen Carpenter, local clinical sexologist, said even when a divorce is not in the cards, many times being ‘together forever’ is a facade.

“Living in the same house may not be the same as being together forever. More than half of all married couples who stay together do so out of commitment, not intellectual or sexual satisfaction. Seventy-five per cent of all divorces in the US are due to one partner seeking their satisfaction outside of the marriage. In Jamaica, we divorce less, but we also marry less,” she said.

Dr Carpenter said while love is not necessarily a lie, many people enter unions in the infatuation stage, which creates problems further on in the marriage.

“What we imagine as love from the movies and television shows is not love. We are intent on experiencing ‘infatuation’ with the butterflies and inability to think clearly and we want that to be lasting love, when it’s not. Infatuation combines passion and a commitment to that passion. However, it does not include intellectual intimacy,” Dr Carpenter said.

The sexologist, however, added that to enable a healthy marriage, sex should not be the solution.

“Marriage and sex have nothing to do with each other. You cannot look to sex as a solution to an unstable or unhealthy marriage. However, if the couple wishes to enjoy a romantic relationship within the marriage, then it thrives best where there is intellectual and sexual compatibility. Sex is between the ears, not between the legs. If two people can stimulate each other mentally, and satisfy each other sexually, this is a winning combination,” Dr Carpenter said.

Moreover, judging the success of your marriage should never be compared to someone else’s union.

“Most people are speaking from a very small sample of experiences. In research we don’t consider that a reliable, factual basis for decisions. Every couple I have ever met in therapy is somewhat different from the other. Also, quite frankly, people rarely tell you the whole truth about their sex lives and if they did. it would actually be inappropriate,” Dr Carpenter said.

Reverend Carla Dunbar, counselling therapist with specialisations in marriage, sex and family therapy, said successful marriages can be used as examples for all. “Because of what people see, they shy away from marriage and a church or family cannot be stronger than a society because it is the society that makes up both institutions. Marriages can last. Look for good marriages and realise that they won’t sit at the top of the haystack. Stop using the failed ones to judge,” Dunbar said.

Dunbar, however, acknowledged that while divorce rates are alarming, the success of marriage occurs when adequate preparation is done before tying the knot. “Where marriages fail, no assessment or thought is put into it. People come with their differences, and premarital counselling doesn’t alleviate problems,” Dunbar explained.

“A foundation should be the start of everything. Premarital counselling helps to bring to the fore issues with the other person. You need to have foundational information about each other to withstand challenges. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? Prepare yourself like how you prepare for other things. Get to know people. There is a saying that women are dimensional — like a sea, ever changing. It makes no sense rushing when you’re going to spend the rest of your life together,” she said.

Dunbar, who also agreed with Dr Carpenter that love is not a lie, said it is more than an emotion, and to sustain a marriage it takes much effort.

“The church has a bad rap to marry people because they’re close, but you need to be rationally thinking and know that it can’t be about sex, butterfly feelings or an emotion. An emotion can flatten like a car tyre and riding on the rim is a bumpy experience,” Dunbar said.

She also encouraged total honesty with self.

“People are afraid to be real. I won’t tell you that you will live happily ever after. Instead, work hard to make your marriage happy, as marriage is a means to an end. It is a 24-hour occupation and you work at it every single day,” Dunbar said.

“You need mental preparation. Lack of knowledge causes failure. Once people are aware that challenges exist, know each other well, and more focus is placed on these sessions, marriage will work.”