I’m living in hell
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I am living in hell. I’m married with four children. I was in another relationship before I got married to my wife, and this produced a child. I did not tell my wife about this even though we had lived together for years.
I was tempted by this woman at my workplace. I did not intend to get her pregnant, but carelessness on my part made it happen even though she wanted to get pregnant from the day she saw my other children.
I don’t love this woman; she is a big mistake. But now my wife has been informed of what happened.
My wife is a wonderful woman. When we were planning the wedding I wanted so much to tell her that I was not really ready, but being there for my family was what came first.
My wife has been giving me hell ever since she found out about the other woman and she plans to leave me. She is one of the nicest people I know, and I have never seen this side of her. I was shocked! She made a lot of threats about what she is going to do to the other woman and I am afraid she might just do it because of the love she has for me.
My co-workers laugh at me and tell me how much I deserve what I got. I cannot explain how sorry I am. My wife plans to go away for a few months but I am afraid that she will not come back. What am I going to do without her?
A: Office romance/affairs tend to negatively impact marital or legitimate committed relationships. The truth is we spend more time at work than we spend at home, and close proximity and interaction with co- workers can lead to romantic attractions. Whereas this is normal, the challenge is to manage the emotions and not allow them to control our actions.
Like you, some people succumb and later regret it. To complicate matters your co-worker became pregnant for you, and as you have indicated, much to her delight.
Now your wife is aware of this and has threatened to walk away. You are indeed in a bad space. You are now in the damage control mode, as what has happened cannot be erased.
How was your wife informed about the other woman and child? Did you confess it to her? If you did, she may be more inclined to forgive your indiscretions. Either way you need to seek her forgiveness.
Threatening to leave is not an unexpected response. But there is one important thing you must do, and that is to establish boundary lines with your baby mother/co-worker.
If you truly want to secure your marriage you have to convince your wife that you have terminated the sexual relationship with the other woman and that you only relate to her as father of the child and not as lover. This would mean your visits to her house would be structured and monitored by your wife. In other words, honesty and transparency are the watchwords at this time. Every time you visit the child at her house your wife must be informed. At the workplace every effort must be made to keep the relationship on a professional level.
You may want to restore the relationship with your wife while the baby mother/other woman may have other intentions. She may not want to work with the programme and make your life difficult. As you are aware, some women deliberately get pregnant with the intention of securing the love and attention of the man. What you said about her reason for wanting to have a child with you, after she saw your children, is sad but true.
Restoring trust that was built over years is going to require great effort on your part. The process may be long but you have to stay the course. You both need counselling sessions to help in the process.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
