Is it a fling or a long-term thing?
How can you tell if it’s true love or just a fling? How do you know whether you have the role of leading lady or are just a supporting actress?
Florida-certified sex therapist and clinical psychologist Dr Karen Carpenter shares some insight with us from her new book, Love & Sex: The Basics.
“It isn’t always easy to tell if what you have as a couple is the stuff that makes for a long-term relationship,” she said. “But let’s begin with some central issues common to most relationships.
“First of all they all have a shelf life, that is a point beyond which they are no longer functioning unless you are putting work into it. The reason the relationship started in the first place is because you were both working at it, both putting in time for each other, both willing to give in when it would satisfy the needs of the other. In short you were both reaching out beyond your usual limits. This is part of the honeymoon phase and in most relationships we say this lasts about two years. However there are other critical points along the way.”
FOR WOMEN:
This one is for the ladies who feel confused, as if they are on an emotional roller coaster in their relationships. You need to take a long hard look at the movie/story you are creating. We all live storied lives, so we are always in the process of editing, producing and starring in our own movies. The first thing to ask yourself is, ‘If someone were to play you in your movie, which actress would it be?’
Ok I know you’re tempted to say Halle Berry, but think again. Who would realistically look like you in a movie?
Now that that detail is sorted, look at the roles that your man has scripted for you, not the ones that you have chosen for yourself. Look at the ones he has actively included you in. If you are not written into his life as the romantic interest and co-lead actress, try to figure out what role he has reserved for you by the way he includes you in his life. How much space has he put aside for you? Is it a walk-on part, a big part, gas station attendant number three? Maybe you’re not in the movie at all or he’s written several scenes that don’t include you. If that’s the case get off the stage and stop creating drama.
We typically create drama when we feel we are being ignored, taken for granted and generally treated badly. You can’t really make somebody love you more than they do, but you can pay attention and step away when you’re not being loved. This really ought to be your cue to check the script to see if he has written you into the story and if not, drop the drama. Step off the stage, it’s not your scene. Sorry girls.
FOR MEN:
To the men, the message is simple: stop setting the stage for drama by inviting women into your life, putting them on stage and then leaving them out of the script without telling them.
It seems quite a few of you men like to go after women you find attractive in some way, even if it’s only because the women find you attractive. Then you play jack in the box games — now we see you, now we don’t. One minute you are hot on the chase and the next minute you can’t be found. You are emotionally unreliable.
It is amazing the number of men who go after a woman and then complain that she is “too” interested, a pest, calling too much, texting…
Men, you need to watch the egos and stop leading women on.
