Older lover hasn’t called me back
Dear Counsellor
We’ve all done something in our lives that we wish we could change, but sadly, we just have to accept it and move on. Here is mine. I slept with a 45-year-old man some months ago. I had absolutely no feelings for this man before that occurred, but afterwards it was like I couldn’t go a day without thinking about him. I went out of my comfort zone by asking him if he liked me. “Very much,” was his response. I went even a bit further to ask if we could date. “Why do you ask though?” was his response. I took this as a no, but he assured me it wasn’t, he just said he would call. He hasn’t called and I’m now trying to move on from this but I’m stuck. The more I try not to think about “us”, the more it happens. I really don’t know what to do. Can I get your advice please?
There is an adage that says, “Women give sex to get love while men give (empty expressions of) love to get sex”. Simplistic as this might appear, it does have some semblance of truth. Women are more motivated by the need for emotional attachment and so in a bid to secure this will engage in sexual intercourse hoping that the partner will reciprocate. Men, on the other hand, are more visually driven and will offer the women “sweet nothings” in an attempt to satisfy their physical urges. Because of this disparity, men and women will constantly have interpersonal conflicts if these differences in motivation are not understood and managed.
So in your instance, you slept with this man to “scratch an itch”, but soon found out that it is most difficult to separate the physical from the emotional. Sex has a way of changing the complexion of things that not even the participants themselves can comprehend. For women it creates an emotional bond while for men it provides a pleasurable outlet for physical release.
From all indications it would appear that the gentleman has no intention to go any deeper in the relationship, hence the non-committal response. Whereas you may have wished to take the relationship to the next level, he had another agenda which did not include “any other business”.
There is not much you can do regarding this occurrence except to learn from it and try not have a repeat of such an episode in your life. Sometimes women in their desperate attempt to be loved and cherished willingly or unwillingly go on emotional roller coasters. Sometimes the “red flags” are fluttering before their faces and they ignore them. Did you in fact notice anything that may have indicated to you that the gentleman was more interested in a fling? Did you do any background checks on him? Is he already in a committed relationship? Married, perhaps? When and where did you both get together, his place, your place or at an arranged location? Did you both go out in public regularly? The answers to these questions will give you a fairly good idea about the nature of the relationship.
It is always a good idea to declare your intention to a prospective suitor just to make sure he understands where you are at before you get involved sexually. When you are satisfied that he understands your intention and expectation then you can proceed in a timely basis. Don’t be pressured into doing anything you are not ready for. When it is done the other way around, it presents a greater challenge emotionally as you are now experiencing.
So write this one off to experience, and avoid contact with the gentleman if you honestly believe that pursuing him will be a futile exercise. Pining after him and waiting for his return call will only increase your hurt and anxiety levels. Go out with some of your girlfriends and treat yourself from time to time. Do avoid rebound relationships and always keep your feet firmly planted on the ground in affairs of the heart. Don’t worry, be happy. This too will pass.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
