Should you propose?

IT’S not the cultural norm for a woman to propose, as for centuries it has been drummed into our minds that we should wait to be pursued, then work as hard as possible to secure a ring.

But many women are shunning tradition, stepping up their game and making their intentions known, in situations where their men are merely resting on their laurels and refusing to get on their knees.

Okeno Johnson, a 25-year-old cop who is engaged, said it is perfectly fine for a woman to propose, especially as women are always championing for equal rights.

Doing so, he said, may speed up the process of getting married.

“Women have for years argued for equal rights, so since they want equality and equal rights like men, they should propose too. If you are certain that he is the one and his thought process is towards marriage, instead of sitting around for 15 years and wondering if he’s ever going to ask, take the initiative and propose!”

But 41-year-old married engineer Leonard Robinson believes in holding fast to tradition.

“Women should not propose. I’m very old -fashioned and I think the roles of women are different from men. Women are hunted and as such they should be asked for their hand in marriage,” he said.

Anthony Gordon, certified family educator and counsellor, explained that from as far back as he can recall, relationships have been entered in through the man making the proposition. However, while he stated that he will not hold a hard end to say it must absolutely continue this way, he said the truth is that there are greater challenges when the woman takes the initiative.

“In most cases if the relationship gets into trouble the woman is the one who hurts most because the man is inclined to throw it at her and say, ‘Is not me run yuh down or ask yuh to marry me’,” he said.

Moreover, Gordon said in Jamaican culture, leadership in terms of family relationships is still perceived from a perspective of the male taking charge.

“So strategically lead the way or lead him on — and not in a negative way,” he advised.

“Where both of you are in a healthy relationship and he is not taking the initiative, she can take the lead. Imply it and create the atmosphere or the setting. Eventually, he will take the lead. In the Bible it was Naomi who taught Ruth how to advance the proposal.”

He added that even if the woman initiates a proposal, she should find a way to sit at the side and let the man hold the steering wheel.

But relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said if a woman and man have been an item for some time and the man has not shown any inclination to take it to the next level, the woman, by all means, should go ahead and make the proposal.

“It could be that he is shy, waiting to accumulate the required resources such as house and finances, hurting from a failed marriage, or is reluctant as he feels that changing the status quo might create problems relating to expectations. Whatever the reasons are, if you wait for a prolonged period, say five years, and feel that you would want to formalise the union, go ahead and make the proposal. You could be surprised that he was on the same page but just needed a nudge,” Powell said.

He added that men will have more reasons not to propose as the seriousness of marriage may scare them and cramp their nomadic tendencies.

Powell maintained that as a woman you have every right to want to be the legitimate wife of John Brown and not just his girlfriend or baby’s mother.

–KH