She’s been cheatin’

IT is rare that you’ll hear of men being hung up over relationships; maybe because of the way they’re wired, it is highly unlikely that they’ll be lying on the bedroom floor, playing love songs and crying over the one that got away.

But while many are able to hold on to the macho façade, fact is, men hurt just as much if not worse than women, especially when they’re cheated on.

According to relationship counsellor Wayne Powell, tradition and customs dictate that cheating is the purview of the male and so when a woman indulges, it is not accepted or appreciated.

“It is OK for the man to give ‘bun’ but not OK for him to get ‘bun’,” Powell told All Woman. “So when the tables turn and the women flip the script, they can’t deal with it.” He said furthermore, the man has to report to his crew, and acknowledging that he has been cheated on is quite embarrassing.

Powell went on to explain that infidelity is seen as the highest form of disrespect by some men and they will never recover from such a blow.

Take for instance John S, who recently openly shared his story to a busload of people after overhearing the conversation of a young man having an argument with his girlfriend over the phone.

“Fine, go about your business. Be with who you want to be with,” the conversation ended.

John jumped in and said, “It makes no sense worrying over a woman.”

He went on to explain that he had been in a relationship for 16 years and built a life with his then common-law wife.

“We had a joint bank account and insurance policies. We had cars in each other’s names. I was the man of the house, or so I thought. I took care of bills and did everything a man should do. I looked after her when she was sick and there’s nothing she asked that I wouldn’t do,” John said.

While speaking to the youngster, John said he was often told that his then girlfriend was unfaithful, but ignored the warnings.

“My friends told me that she was seeing someone else — another friend of mine. I got upset at them and told them, ‘not my woman’. But they were adamant and I was determined to prove them wrong,” John said.

Through his determination he said he told her he was leaving for the country and packed and left, but came back when she was out of the house and hid in a back room.

“While me roun deh a hide I hear when the grill pull so I said, alright now watch how me a go prove say me woman nah cheat. When I tek a check is a man voice me hear. One of my friend’s voice too. So I say maybe a something him come for like likkle seasoning. Anyway, I stayed put until I start hear giggling and moaning so I took my time and creep roun the front and peep through the window only to see them…”

John explained that the relationship came to an end and he turned to rum bars and smoking as a form of therapy and slipped into depression.

“Trust me, I loved her like how Jesus loves the little children and she did that to me. I can never love again and since then I have never kept one woman. No, ’cause now I know bun is real. Even if I check for a girl I will never be 100 per cent devoted to anyone again.”

Like John, many men endure the same hurt after being cheated on. Below they tell All Woman what they went through.

Antonio D:

I used to cheat on my girlfriend all the time, and even left her for a younger girl who I thought was head over heels for me. I later found out that the new girlfriend had a man abroad and was using me for my perks. I felt so embarrassed that I left my long-term girlfriend, and I started drinking and hanging out in strip clubs to show that I was a “player” and that it didn’t affect me, but it nearly killed me. I couldn’t fathom how I could have lost such a good girl at the expense of a young thing.

Fitz M:

Being cheated on is not a good thing. As men we love to give bun but really can’t take it. I had been in a relationship for eight years and to be honest I treated her terribly. I had children younger than the ones I had with her and she stuck it out. But the day I found out she had moved on and was about to leave me I almost went insane. I started threatening her, even though I had other women. I couldn’t manage what was happening; it was as though I was emasculated. For days I slept in my vehicle on the road as I realised I lost all I had and had to be staying with these other women, alternating the nights. It was as if she punched me below the belt.

Sean L:

I was married and had two wonderful children with my wife. I thought I was being a good husband to her until I came home one day, saw my children on the verandah crying, and suitcases with my clothes on the lawn. I asked my older daughter what was going on. She said mommy moved in her boyfriend and we should leave. I laughed as I thought it was a joke. When reality hit me I called my mom who took the girls and I drove until I couldn’t drive anymore. I ended up by Look Out at Red Hills and told myself I was going to jump, for I could not understand why a woman would leave her husband and kids. I just couldn’t understand. For days I made myself absent until I eventually sought counselling and filed for custody of the girls.

Ricardo J:

Right out of high school I met this girl and as young and dumb as I was back then, I thought she was definitely the one, and no amount of discouragement could change my mind. It was made up. I introduced her to my mother who saw her deceit right away, but I ignored it and thought mommy was being overprotective. The girl would often tell me that she’s not interested in sex and I respected her very much for that until I found out she was sleeping with someone else and using me. Eventually she said she couldn’t pretend anymore and left. I couldn’t bear it and begged her to come back. I remember when she left for college how I locked myself in my room and cried and cried. I never knew I could cry so much until she hurt me. I went as far as to attempt to slit my wrists and my mother was there just in time to see me. I couldn’t handle it. I hurt like it was the last time I was going to feel pain and needed to feel it with all my might.