Older lover calls me dirty names
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I am in a relationship with a guy 20 years my senior. Like me he had gone through bouts of childhood abuse and neglect. This has caused him to have emotional and anger issues. He is very insecure and can be controlling. I know he loves me very much in his own way. He does a lot to show he cares for me and the children. When he gets angry at me he disrespects me by cursing me and calling me nasty, horrible names. He frequently accuses me of being interested in other guys even though he can account for my time throughout the day. A part of me wants to leave because I know I deserve better than someone disrespecting me, but a part of me wants to make him happy and help him resolve these childhood issues and ultimately be a better person. He is very attached to his family and I also believe he might turn to alcohol if we were to leave.
What is your opinion? Should I run as fast as I can or should I stick around and try and help the man I love to heal?
A: It is true that we carry psychological baggage from challenges we may have experienced in our childhood. For some it takes many years to overcome them, especially if no professional help was sought. However, it is the ultimate responsibility of the individual to get help. To offer excuses and blame our past or others for our current behaviour is not good enough. One does not have to be enslaved by the atrocities of one’s past.
You seem to be justifying your partner’s abusive behaviour, which is a common behaviour of victims/survivors of abusive relationships. You mentioned that your partner loves you in his own way but at the same time when he is angry, he curses and disrespects you. There is a twisted notion that some people embrace that one way of expressing love is the administration of verbal and physical abuse. Nothing could be further from the truth. Love and abuse should not be used in the same sentence, and there should be no justification for physical or psychological abuse.
You have not indicated your age, but an age difference of 20 years suggests a generation gap that has innate challenges. In most instances when the man is much older than the female partner, insecurity and suspicion set in. He believes that the woman will want to find someone younger and so he becomes quite jealous and accusatory. He may even fabricate stories to convince himself that the woman is being unfaithful.
He may resort to emotional and physical abuse in a desperate effort to maintain power and control over his woman. Her every move is monitored even to the point of directing whom she speaks with, where she goes, what she wears, etc. It is not unusual for him to inspect your phone. It is commendable that you want to make your man happy, but your personal happiness is just as important. You can only help him to heal, as you put it, if he acknowledges his shortcomings and seeks help. The healing can only take place if he allows it to take place. Sitting and hoping will not produce the change you want to see.
Threatening to hurt himself by turning to alcohol is yet another strategy that insecure men use to appeal for sympathy. Most times the threat is not carried out, but there are others who will, and lay the blame at your feet. It’s called playing with your conscience and taking advantage of your caring nature.
The choice to go or stay in the relationship is entirely yours. What you must not do is justify or normalise the abusive behaviour. The gentleman needs professional help, and the most you can do is encourage him to seek counselling.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to Crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
