Are you having a healthy reaction to your break-up?

A failed relationship can be a very tumultuous event for either partner, especially when both individuals approach the grieving period.

For Carmen G, it has been two years since her break-up with her boyfriend of five years. Though many expect her to have completed the healing process, she has continued to isolate herself from friends and family due to the hurt from the split.

To cope with the break-up she stalks his Facebook profile, his family’s social media accounts, as well as all profiles that his new girlfriend possesses. What’s worse is the fact that Carmen constantly speaks about him and uses him as illustration in conversations.

According to relationship counsellor Wayne Powell, after a break-up many people go through the five stages of grief — shock, denial, anger, sadness and acceptance, which may be seen as a healthy coping mechanism.

“Shock may result in the affected individual being surprised by the turn of events as they most likely didn’t expect it. The denial stage occurs when the person can’t believe that their significant other has walked out on them,” he said. “The stage of anger represents the point when the individual probably becomes vengeful, then there’s the stage of sadness, then acceptance when the person is ready to move on with their life.”

Powell added that at any of these stages, the estranged partner may seek to rebuild their shattered self-esteem and self-worth, which may lead to a rebound relationship, which is essentially a temporary relief.

“As soon as the person accepts the reality of the loss, he/she will lose interest and may want to be left alone, much to the amazement of the new partner,” he said.

In Carmen’s case, Powell said terminating a relationship is not as simple as some people may think, especially if you have committed time and effort in building the union.

“It is really not easy to turn your back on some of the benefits of the relationship which may include financial security and good sex. One has to do a cost/benefit analysis and make an intelligent decision. Is it worth it to be in a relationship where you suffer psychological, emotional and physical abuse?”

Powell added: “Life is 10 per cent of what happens to you and 90 per cent of how you respond to it. Starting all over again is going to be rough, but you can make it.”

Below Powell shares healthy ways to deal with a break-up:

1. Weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and if the negatives far outweigh the positives, then it’s time to do what you have to do. Make sure you have the reasons for your decision firmly placed in your head so that in those moments of weakness you can remind yourself why you made the decision.

2. If you know that you have a weakness for your ex, then stay clear of him.

3. Remove any item that might remind you of the ex; this might mean removing the friendship ring he gave you at the beginning of the relationship. If there are items of his clothing at your place, neatly put them aside and return them to him as soon as possible.

4. Pictures are permanent souvenirs that can bring back memories. It may mean that you have to remove those romantic pictures from your Facebook page as well as his portrait that is sitting on your dresser.

5. Be careful when he tugs at your heartstrings begging for forgiveness. Certainly if the request is genuine, you may want to consider it, but if the requests are as frequent as rain in the hurricane season, then you know that he is just messing with your heart.

6. Don’t sit down and mope, go out with your girlfriends and have some fun. If not, go out alone and try to enjoy your own company.

7. Don’t be in a hurry to start another relationship. Rebound relationships can be dangerous, as in your vulnerable state a predator can take advantage of your bruised emotions.

8. Have an accountable partner who will monitor your movements and ensure you remain focused when those moments of weakness come along.

9. Give yourself time to reflect on the root cause of the break-up. Do an honest selfevaluation. Ask yourself, “Is there something I have done or never did that prompted this action?”

10. Avoid sharing your hurt with someone who may have a vested interest. He or she may take advantage of your fragile emotional state.

11. Use the opportunity to explore new hobbies and creative activities.

12. Don’t be angry. Be happy, as the breakup may just be a blessing in disguise.

13. Use the opportunity to re-establish the tenets of your next relationship.

14. Give yourself at least a year to fully exhaust the grieving process.