He keeps cheating with his exes

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. In the first couple of months he cheated with an ex. He ignored me for a week because of what he did, until we spoke and I asked him if he had cheated and he said yes. Though it was difficult, I forgave him and moved on. Later in our relationship I discovered he had cheated again with another ex. It was not just a one-night stand, but he was in a relationship with her and told her he was single while he was with me. When I found out I confronted him but he denied it until he finally admitted that he had cheated. I ended things, but since then he has said he’s sorry and that he loves me and wants to work on things between us. I asked him why he did it and he says he doesn’t know. I asked him why didn’t he just end things with me and he said he couldn’t because he loves me.

I love him but I don’t think I can trust him again or be secure with him. I cannot endure any more pain. I really love him and wanted a future with him, but I feel foolish for giving him a second chance. Sometimes I think there is hope for us, but I don’t know. I’m focusing on moving on and being happy now. What do you think?

A: When dealing with affairs of the heart we often have to let our head rule our heart. In other words, we need to make rational decisions that would require us to suspend the emotional demands.

So your gentleman wants to have his cake and eat it, something that many men would want to do if their partners would allow them. Committing to one partner is quite a challenge for some men and so they resort to engaging in affairs outside the steady relationship. And the typical response as to why they do it is always the same, “I don’t know.” Surely none of these adult males were coerced into having these liaisons, so it must have been a conscious decision to get involved.

It is quite obvious that as far as your gentleman is concerned, there was no closure on his former relationships and so picking up where he left off was not difficult. And it is for this reason that women must seek to get a definitive answer from their prospective suitors as to the true status of their former relationship(s), particularly if they have children.

In some instances, however, the man may well express a desire to end the relationship but the woman, for whatever reason, may not want to and so she uses her charm to her advantage. It then becomes a case of “new broom sweeping clean and old broom knowing the corner”.

In your situation, your gentleman got involved with both exes, which indicates that he has little regard for you and the relationship. Love is a doing word, so saying “I love you” is not enough. Words must be followed by action. If he truly cares about you as he claims, then lying to one of his exes that he was single while he was in a relationship with you does not support this claim. They say that the first time could be a mistake, but the second could well be intentional.

The instructive statement in your letter is you saying you want to be happy. That is the bottom line. Your personal happiness is paramount and you should do whatever will ensure your peace of mind.

Should you decide to resume a relationship with the gentleman, you have to be assured that he loses the phone numbers and addresses of the exes, and being involved with other women is not an option. If he can’t make that commitment to you, then you will know for sure what you have to do.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.