Third time’s a charm?
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I am separated from my husband of five years. We have a young son. Our marriage had taken a turn for the worse as my husband had an affair and brought the other woman into our lives and expected me to be OK with it. I couldn’t deal with that and so after months of counselling and being verbally abused, I decided to walk out.
After the separation my husband was being rebellious and wasn’t assisting me with our child. I’m working so I can hold my own, so it didn’t bother me. He came around eventually.
Months went by and I got myself together and started my life over again. I recently started to date again and I chose to date an older person as I was just coming from a long- term relationship and wasn’t ready for commitment. We have an understanding that there are no strings attached. I’m 26 and he’s 57.
I then met this other guy in my age group. He is young and successful, has a good job, and a bright future. I’m getting to like him but I am a bit hesitant as we both work at the same place but in different departments. I am a bit worried about what to do. My biggest fear is having a replay of my marriage and ending up getting hurt again. I would love to be settled again in the future. I am in the process getting my papers ready because I’m planning on filing for divorce. Your advice is greatly needed.
A: After five years of marriage and the birth of a beautiful little boy, the union disintegrated as a result of infidelity. If after a series of counselling sessions and being verbally and emotionally abused your husband decided to continue the extramarital affair, then I guess you had to take decisive action.
You have to be careful as you are vulnerable and in an emotionally fragile state. You are a young woman and the desire for physical satisfaction will be present. Although you are separated, do remember that you are a mother and so you do have certain responsibilities that cannot be compromised.
You have to be careful in regards to your dating decisions. Dating two persons concurrently may not be a wise idea. Think it through carefully, then choose one. Make sure you indicate to the person what you want and expect from the dating experience.
Rebound relationships have certain built-in challenges, so be mindful of the demands and expectations you may have that the person may not be prepared to offer. There are some men who will take advantage of your vulnerable state which could cause as much pain as you have experienced with your husband.
Do consider whether you are sufficiently healed from the hurt of the break-up to start dating. As the song says, you need to take it slow.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
