Poor boyfriend can’t satisfy me
Dear Counsellor
I am a young adult and I’ve been with my boyfriend for over seven years. We have a child together and I love them both dearly. My boyfriend is not financially stable. He holds a steady job but it’s just not enough. I want more. My desires consume me and from time to time I cheat, finding guys to take me places I have never been, give me money, buy me stuff — all the things he isn’t capable of doing. I know it hurts him so I try not to burden him with guilt or insecurities about his financial status. Currently I bear most of our child’s expenses. It gets very hard at times which is why I seek help outside. My boyfriend loves me and forgives me every time. He doesn’t trust me and I can’t blame him because I continuously lie, manipulate and deceive him. He has become harsh towards me even though I know I may deserve it. What should I do? Should I stay with him? I hope he’ll leave because though he makes me happy, our situation makes me sad.
When we make a decision to be with someone we make a choice to accept them with their strengths and weaknesses. In your case your boyfriend has shortcomings in the finance department which seems to be a dealbreaker for you. As you put it, your desires consume you and so you get external help. Let me ask though, if the situation was reversed and you had a shortcoming and your boyfriend sought and received outside help, would you be OK with that?
You see, there is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy the finer things in life — going to nice restaurants, driving in expensive cars, partying, etc — but there is a price to pay especially when you are already involved in a committed relationship and the mother of a young child. I am sure that none of these men are going to shell out money and gifts without wanting favours in return.
Sometimes in life we have to work with what we have and curtail our desires. It is these unbridled desires that get people in trouble.
You have to decide if your boyfriend’s financial shortcomings is something you are prepared to work with. But do consider if it is worth it to walk out on a seven-year relationship where you claim your partner makes you happy.
If you continue to seek outside help your relationship is going to be destroyed as your partner will eventually discover your hanky panky and may react in an unexpected way. He may indeed love you and will forgive you but it won’t be for long. He will take so much and no more.
As a mother you have to be mindful of your carefree behaviour and as a young adult you have to remember that you have passed the teenage stage of wild abandonment and now have to be more responsible in how you conduct yourself.
Sit with your gentleman, discuss the concerns and work out a budget on the available resources. It may mean living within your means and appreciating what you have.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
