Engaged to one, in love with another
Q: Dear Counsellor,
I am pining for my first love. I just can’t let him go although I’m engaged to another man. He is the love of my life and I long for his presence daily. At times I just sit and wish that I could get a hug from him. I fantasise about him and it affects my sex life with my current partner.
My husband-to-be loves me so much, yet I cannot return his love as I yearn for the arms of another man. I still talk to my ex and he tells me how much he loves me and that I am the only woman he has ever loved. Every love song that plays just reminds me of him.
I want to be with the love of my life, yet I do not want to hurt my fiancé’s feelings and do not want to disappoint his family as they are now involved.
At times I get to a point where I tell myself that I should follow my heart, but then I think of the hearts I am going to break. I really do not know what to do.
A: You find yourself in a serious predicament: madly in love with your ex and mildly fond of your fiancé. You have not said if the ex is available. I’m also curious to know what caused the break-up if you are both so in love with each other.
Be that as it may, it is untenable to be married to one person and be preoccupied with someone else. Your love and attention should be directed to one person. Any other way will result in your living a lie and your husband being short-changed as he has to be competing with your ex for your full attention. As you have mentioned, your sexual relationship with your partner is affected as your body is present but your mind is elsewhere.
You have to make a decision that is in your best interest and that of your husband-to-be as well. It is not about the family members.
What are your options? Should you decide to get married without resolving the emotional ties to your ex, there is a high likelihood that you might be tempted and even yield to physically connecting with him. This no doubt would negatively impact your marriage.
Should you decide to call off the wedding, terminate the relationship and reconnect with your ex, there is no guarantee that you both would live happily ever after. There are some relationships that were good while they lasted and should remain in the past. There are many instances of exes re-engaging and never being able to recapture the chemistry they once had before.
Should you decide to get married, do engage the services of a counsellor to help you put closure to the relationship with your ex. Premarital counselling is highly recommended as well.
Should you decide to pursue your ex, make sure the relationship is more than just on the romantic plane. After the glitter and excitement there is the day-to-day harsh reality of life that will demand much more than emotional attachment.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
