‘Responsible married woman’ still in love with ex

Dear Counsellor,

I need an answer to my worries and I don’t know whether to listen to my heart or my head. I am a responsible married woman with two kids and I am still very much in love with my ex. He definitely still loves me. We have never stopped loving each other. When we were dating, I was fearful and scared that he would leave me because of previous experiences I had before I met him. So I left him and got married to my husband 12 years ago. He is married as well with two kids. I have tried my best to forget him, but to no avail. I dream of him all the time. The love I have for him is more than for my husband. My husband is a very good person but my heart is not with him. I don’t know what to do.

When it comes to matters of the heart there is always tension between the head (intellect) and the heart (emotions). One appeals to the feel-good aspect and the other to rational thinking. Either way, one will take precedence over the other and the person has to take responsibility for the decision taken.So in your case you still have feelings for a man whom you left 12 years ago, and according to you, the love you have for him is reciprocated.The most significant part of your story is the fact that you are both married to other people and you both have children with your respective partners. What does that mean to you? Is that a deterrent? Does that make a difference in whether or not you both should pursue each other? These are some of the questions you need to contemplate as you have this head and heart struggle. Let’s look at both scenarios and see which would make sense. Say you go with your heart and decide to leave your husband and the ex leaves his wife. How would that impact the children, particularly if they are young? What guarantee do you have that you both would live happily after 12 years of being apart? Situations change and people change. On the other hand, let’s say you decided to follow your head and concentrate on building your marriage and he does the same. Would such a decision negatively impact both marital relationships? Would the children be affected? It would seem that the latter would be less complicated and stressful for you, the spouses, and the other members of both families. You question might be, why not follow my heart and be happy? Nothing is wrong with that except that had you both been single and not in committed relationships, reconnecting would be void of any obligations to anyone else and so there would be no accountability issues to contend with. As adults we are expected to conduct the affairs of our lives with a sense of maturity and sound judgement. This includes our love lives. Too many times we don’t seem to place much emphasis on ensuring we make sound decisions when it comes to affairs of the heart and so we just go with the flow. The same way you would put serious thought in acquiring a house or a car, it’s the same seriousness that must be applied in choosing a partner.So I implore you to carefully weigh the advantages and disadvantages of both decisions and choose the one that makes sense for you.

When it comes to matters of the heart there is always tension between the head (intellect) and the heart (emotions). One appeals to the feel-good aspect and the other to rational thinking. Either way, one will take precedence over the other and the person has to take responsibility for the decision taken.

So in your case you still have feelings for a man whom you left 12 years ago, and according to you, the love you have for him is reciprocated.

The most significant part of your story is the fact that you are both married to other people and you both have children with your respective partners. What does that mean to you? Is that a deterrent? Does that make a difference in whether or not you both should pursue each other? These are some of the questions you need to contemplate as you have this head and heart struggle.

Let’s look at both scenarios and see which would make sense. Say you go with your heart and decide to leave your husband and the ex leaves his wife. How would that impact the children, particularly if they are young? What guarantee do you have that you both would live happily after 12 years of being apart? Situations change and people change.

On the other hand, let’s say you decided to follow your head and concentrate on building your marriage and he does the same. Would such a decision negatively impact both marital relationships? Would the children be affected? It would seem that the latter would be less complicated and stressful for you, the spouses, and the other members of both families.

You question might be, why not follow my heart and be happy? Nothing is wrong with that except that had you both been single and not in committed relationships, reconnecting would be void of any obligations to anyone else and so there would be no accountability issues to contend with.

As adults we are expected to conduct the affairs of our lives with a sense of maturity and sound judgement. This includes our love lives. Too many times we don’t seem to place much emphasis on ensuring we make sound decisions when it comes to affairs of the heart and so we just go with the flow. The same way you would put serious thought in acquiring a house or a car, it’s the same seriousness that must be applied in choosing a partner.

So I implore you to carefully weigh the advantages and disadvantages of both decisions and choose the one that makes sense for you.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.