An emotional affair
Dear Counsellor
I’m hoping you can help me. I am 37 years old and have been with my husband for 13 years, married for almost six. I guess I was bored because I have never felt the urge to cheat on my husband as I love him dearly, but somehow I ended up talking to a guy on Snapchat and ended up in an emotional affair with him. This went on for four months. It was very intense, we chatted all day, every day, and even spoke on the phone a few times. I hate to say this, but the only reason things didn’t turn physical is because he lives in Canada and I am in Australia.
I decided to end communication with him as his behaviour towards me was becoming hot and cold and I was getting too upset and stressed out about not knowing where I stood with him and it was affecting my time with my family as I was distracted and miserable.
I know what I did was wrong and I feel awful about what I have done behind my husband’s back, but at the same time I’m now grieving over a lost emotional connection that I had grown to be very dependent on.
All I feel like doing is curling into a ball and crying my eyes out over the guilt I feel and for the fact that I don’t want to lose this other guy, but I know I need to let him go.
What do I do?
Social media has been a source of distraction for many people in committed relationships. Sometimes these interactions start out as innocent sharing and exchanging of thoughts and ideas, but often they transition into affairs and get out of control.
The fact that you were bored in your relationship made it very easy for you to develop an emotional attachment with someone else. There is a tendency for long-term relationships to plateau and the partners begin to drift apart.
As human beings we all have a desire to be loved and appreciated and when those elements are missing, we intentionally or unintentionally seek them out elsewhere. For some, even when those elements are present, they are excited by the intrigue of the forbidden.
I’m not sure what your motivation was, but what is sure is that you allowed yourself to go out too far on the limb, so much so that the online fling escalated into a full-blown relationship. As you have indicated, if it wasn’t for the fact that you were both separated by physical distance, chances are the fire could have been ignited if it was otherwise. This could well be a blessing in disguise.
Now that your online love affair is dying a slow death and you realise that your family life was no doubt affected, it’s time to get back to reality and deal with what is missing from your relationship. What was it that prompted you to engage this person on Snapchat? Was it to fulfil an emotional void in your life? Were you just testing the waters or just curious about the intimate interactions that go on in the world of social media?
Whatever your motives were, you need to make a determined effort to redirect your thoughts and attitude away from your online distraction and back to your husband. It may mean having a one-on-one chat with your spouse to discuss ways in which you both can restore the joy and excitement in the relationship.
The gentleman you met, by his hot and cold actions as you aptly describe it, is obviously not ready for serious relationship, and rightly so. He, like you, may have a significant other who may be short-changed by the extramarital goings-on.
The recommendation therefore is to terminate and discontinue communication with the online gentleman and ease your mind of the guilt; for in fact you are cheating on your husband. This guilt and hurt will continue to plague you if you fail to take decisive action immediately.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
