He’s texting another woman
Dear Counsellor,
I am very upset with my husband. I found out he is texting a female where he works. I was going through the phone bill and saw this number come up several times, so I called and a woman answered. When I confronted him he got very angry with me, saying I did not trust him and that I was too jealous. I told him I was not happy that he would be texting any woman for any reason. Now he says that my jealousy is ruining our marriage. I do admit I get very insecure because my first husband cheated on me and I told him this and that I need reassurance.
When a relationship is terminated on the grounds of infidelity, the offended partner is usually very vigilant in the new relationship. Anything that vaguely looks like what occurred in the former relationship immediately sends off a warning signal. Often there is no reason for alarm, but when the warning light comes on, self-preservation mode kicks in and the person assumes a fight or flight posture.
It could well be that the nature of the job causes your husband and his co-worker to be in constant contact during and after work hours. So instead of him going to meet her somewhere, they communicate via phone and text. That could be the reality; however, if that is the case there would need to be boundary lines established. Surely communicating on the phone with a co-worker until the wee hours of the morning would be cause for concern.
To instruct him not to text any woman for any reason whatsoever though could be going overboard with your expectations. Are you saying he must not have female friends?
One appreciates the once bitten, twice shy stance you have taken, but be careful that you are not being overly cautious to the detriment of your marriage. Laying down zero tolerance for your husband relating to members of the opposite sex could be problematic.
You are correct though — because of your past infidelity experience it would be helpful if your husband reassured you that he will preserve the trust and integrity of the relationship. It would have been good also if you had received counselling to help you rebuild your self-esteem following the termination of the first marriage. When in doubt, don’t be suspicious and jump to conclusions and create unnecessary tension in the relationship. One hopes that your husband will be sensitive to your insecurities and not be annoyed with your behaviour to the extent that he stays away.
You have to rebuild the trust that was destroyed and so it is recommended that you both see a counsellor as soon as possible to start the rebuilding process.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
