My lying, cheating Jamaican man
Dear Counsellor,
I read an article of yours and was hoping you could provide advice. I’m a US citizen and have been in a relationship with a Jamaican man living here for the past eight months. After two months he got me pregnant and I aborted the pregnancy, as neither of us was ready, although I never believed in abortion. Six months later I was pregnant again as we had decided we were ready and he said he wanted a child with me. I later found out he’s been seeing another woman on and off for 12 years.
He also has a child with another woman. He claims there is no longer anything between them but I don’t know what to believe since he refuses to introduce us. He also says the woman he has been seeing for 12 years is only attempting to break us up by exaggerating her importance in his life to wiggle back in once I’m out of the picture. I have never encountered such deceit and I am at an utter loss about what to do. I’m only 25 and he is either 35 or 45. He claims he is 35 but I found an old licence stating he was born in 1971.There have been so many lies at this point that I have no idea what to believe or how to proceed. I am scared to be stuck with this manipulative liar in my life indefinitely , with no emotional support system to raise a child. Thanks for your advice.
One major ingredient that contributes to building a successful relationship is trust, and if this component is missing then the relationship would have lacked a sound foundation and would disintegrate eventually.
Your gentleman has some unfinished business with two other women that you are aware of that he needs to deal with. The mother of the child will have to be in communication with him regarding the welfare of the child, and the other woman obviously has more than a passing interest and has made her intentions known. If he is serious about you and the relationship, then he needs to establish distinct boundaries with these women.
One of the mistakes some women make is bringing a child into the picture before they spend time getting to know the person they are getting involved with. The truth is, the presence of the child does not mean a dramatic turnaround if the person has some deep-rooted bad habits. It could mean compounding the relationship issues as not only do you have to contend with the demands of the baby, but with a man who may well be elsewhere when you need him.
Now that you are pregnant, it is the opportune time to have a serious talk with your gentleman. Tell him about your concerns and have him commit to the relationship by first of all placing distance between himself and the other relationships, particularly the occasional one, and also to stick by you during and after the birth of the child. It is important that you get this assurance, as failure to do so could negatively impact your pregnancy. This is the time you will need the emotional support of your gentleman.
Try and urge him to be honest with you at all times and avoid the lies and deception. There is much work to be done in this regard, but if he is serious about you and the relationship he has to make a determined effort to alter his behaviour.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
