Wife still in love with her ex

Dear Counsellor,

My wife and I have been together for three years. We met a few months after she split with her boyfriend. We have spoken about her feelings in great depth and I feel I know almost every detail. She was crazy in love with him, he pleased her in bed very well, and made her laugh all the time. They ended up breaking it off after three years.

She is from a Latin background, and we didn’t speak the same language when we met, but it worked. I could read her like a book and she began talking about her ex when we began discussing our feelings for each other. I told her I was in love; she said she “loved” me but was not “in love”. At first I was OK with it, knowing she had feelings for her ex, but I thought the attachment would go away with time and with me making new memories with her and forcing him out.

After almost two years, things seemed to get better. We seemed to be getting closer. However, I could see she was getting depressed. I would try to talk to her and it always ended up with her in tears, upset that she still had those feelings. She has been a wonderful woman, takes very good care of me, is thoughtful, very sweet, and like no one I’ve ever been with before. I know a large part of me is sticking this out, hoping for it to all work out because I see the amazing woman she is and can be.

She still had some feelings of being “in love” when we married and moved to the US. A few days after the marriage we got into an argument and she said that she felt “abused” the last time we had sex. She said I’ve never fulfilled her in bed, while I thought at least I was pleasing her. She also said that she doesn’t see me as a confident guy. This did not help the situation and since then I have become very distant. I don’t want to be near her and I sleep in the other bedroom. We have many issues. She’s new to the USA, has no friends or family here, no higher education or full understanding of English to get a respectable job or be fully independent, so I know part of our problem is that she’s bored and lonely.All in all I am at a total loss as to where to go from here. Do I just throw in the towel and file for divorce? Do I stick this out and see where it goes? Is this a hopeless marriage? She recently went to a counsellor to talk about her depression and her problems settling in. Her previous marriage lasted legally 10 years, but was over at eight. They basically became brother and sister. She lost all “in love” feelings and intimacy for him. Knowing this past of hers, I’m afraid that I’m heading down the same path. Any suggestions?

She still had some feelings of being “in love” when we married and moved to the US. A few days after the marriage we got into an argument and she said that she felt “abused” the last time we had sex. She said I’ve never fulfilled her in bed, while I thought at least I was pleasing her. She also said that she doesn’t see me as a confident guy. This did not help the situation and since then I have become very distant. I don’t want to be near her and I sleep in the other bedroom. We have many issues. She’s new to the USA, has no friends or family here, no higher education or full understanding of English to get a respectable job or be fully independent, so I know part of our problem is that she’s bored and lonely.

All in all I am at a total loss as to where to go from here. Do I just throw in the towel and file for divorce? Do I stick this out and see where it goes? Is this a hopeless marriage? She recently went to a counsellor to talk about her depression and her problems settling in. Her previous marriage lasted legally 10 years, but was over at eight. They basically became brother and sister. She lost all “in love” feelings and intimacy for him. Knowing this past of hers, I’m afraid that I’m heading down the same path. Any suggestions?

Exiting a failed relationship and entering another on the rebound is fraught with difficulties. Your wife has obviously not put closure to her last relationship and so is not able to give you 100 per cent of her physical and emotional attention. She is still pining over her ex- boyfriend and is comparing him to you, particularly in regards to the bedroom skills, which no doubt would put you at a disadvantage.

Your patience in accommodating the transition from her ex to you is commendable, but like the grieving process, the period can be lengthy and quite a challenge for the incoming partner. Inasmuch as she is not with her ex physically, her emotions are still wrapped up around him, which means you would have to work that much harder to redirect her mind and have her focus on you and the relationship.

When couples migrate to countries where they are unfamiliar with the environment and the people, they strongly depend on each other for companionship and psychological support. They are literally in each other’s space, and so disagreements and conflicts would drive a wedge between them that would make matters worse, making living with each other in a strange place a nightmare.

You are obviously emotionally wounded by the negative comments your wife has made about your bedroom skills and by extension your character. Men who are emotionally hurt by their partners suffer deep self-esteem issues as their egos are deflated.

Withdrawal is a strategy taken in an effort to protect one’s personhood. This approach, however, is a temporary fix similar to sweeping the dirt under the carpet — the real problems are never addressed. So although your withdrawal may be understandable, you are complicating the situation by your stance. You will have to get to the place where you face the matter at hand and make a deliberate effort to reach out to your wife and address the issues directly.

Walking away from your marriage or retreating to another room in the house may be non-confrontational and somewhat of a quick fix, but if you really care about your wife and the marriage, then getting professional help is critical at this time. If you are financially challenged you may want to visit a church in your community and ask to see the pastor or counsellor.

The issues you presented — including the sexual ones — are not insurmountable, and if you both are prepared to save the marriage, there is some hope for marital recovery.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.