He’s so cold
Dear Counsellor,
I’ve been in a relationship for nine months now, and I can say it has been going great. A week ago my spouse and I were together and all was well when he left to go home, or so I thought, because we had no form of disagreement while he was with me. But ever since then, he has not accepted any of my calls or replied to any of my messages. I’m really starting to wonder why he is isolating himself from me like this. Could it be that he has found someone else or he’s not interested in me anymore? Or could it be that he just needs some time to himself? Can you provide any type of advice or any form of peace of mind for my situation?
I assume the person that you refer to as your spouse is actually your boyfriend whom you have been in a relationship with for nine months. The dictionary definition for spouse is someone you are married to.
On that premise, this guy, after nine months, has retreated from the relationship without any explanation. There could be many reasons for his decision. Is it that he, like many men, has taken time out to deal with personal issues that he does not want to involve you in? There could be some problems at the workplace, or a financial issue that is overwhelming him. Some women unfortunately do not deal with these matters well and sometimes make matters worse, and so their partners prefer to handle the situation by themselves. Most men are socialised to be problem-solvers, and so they believe sharing their problems with their partners is a dereliction of their duty as men.
Has he found a romantic interest outside the relationship? That is also a possibility. Some guys are timid when it comes to terminating a relationship, and so instead of taking the mature approach to ‘man up’ and tell their partner they wish to break loose and move on, they leave the person in limbo wondering what’s going on.
As in your case, they may leave with no sign of discontent, and so their abandoned partners are utterly confused. Naturally, this is quite disheartening. In some instances, if it’s the first time that he has retreated to his man cave for a long period, he might return after a while as if nothing had happened. The hurting partner who feels abandoned would not necessarily accept him with open arms, resulting in a situation fraught with emotional conflict.
It’s difficult to say what is the motive for your partner’s change of behaviour, as only he can say what’s really going on. In the meanwhile, you would need to maintain an open mind and be prepared for the worst. As much as you may search for answers, none may be forthcoming, so don’t be expecting too much from him in that regard.
Stay positive despite the apparent rejection. It’s more his loss if he decides to move on.
If, however, he proceeded to take time out without advising you, let him know you would appreciate that in the future he considers your feelings and not disappear without a word of explanation. That behaviour is selfish and uncaring, and certainly will not foster a functional relationship.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
