Young man problems
Dear Counsellor,
I was in a relationship with a man who is younger than me. I am 45 and he is 34. We saw each other every day when he would pick me up for work. The relationship lasted for one month and three weeks. That was too short a time for this man to get to know me. All he knew was where I work, reside, and that I have a teenage child.
He said he is not a man of many words and is not a people person. He is a humble person and that is what drew me to him. As a matter of fact, I was the one who asked him if he wanted to start a relationship with me because I suspected that he had feelings for me. He agreed. At first, things between us went well until he told me that things wouldn’t work out. He was previously in a relationship with his children’s mother, but advised her that he wanted to “cool out”.
I think he was not yet over his relationship with his children’s mother as he would talk about her when he spoke to me. They still see and communicate with each other for the sake of their three young children. I did not feel connected to this relationship we had. The relationship ended for no valid reason and I find this disheartening.
It would appear that the relationship was not carefully thought out before you decided to go ahead with it. There were red flags that you obviously ignored that eventually led to its demise.
First of all, from all indications the gentleman seemed to still have had close connections with his children’s mother and was not ready to be in another relationship, and so was somewhat hesitant to broach the matter. In order not to disappoint you he agreed to go ahead with your request. Some men think that it would be out of character to turn down an offer for a relationship, and so even when they don’t want to, they do it to maintain the macho image.
If every time the gentleman was with you he was talking about the mother of his children, that was yet another indication that his body might have been with you but his heart was back home.
Telling you that he advised the mother of his children that he wished to “cool out”, is classic excuse that some men pass on to the “other woman” to keep her quiet. Surely walking away from a family with three children is not something a good father would do readily, and terminating the relationship with the mother of his children would be easier said than done.
So after a brief stint of under two months he found the courage to call it quits with you. The writing was on the wall that this relationship would not last very long. The relationship did end for a valid reason, which is the fact that you wanted it more than he did, and all he did was to oblige you for as long as he could. That is why you never felt connected to him in the relationship.
So what are the lessons to learn from this experience? One is that you must get a clear indication from the person you are interested in that the feeling is genuine and mutual and not a suspicion on your part. You can’t read the person’s mind and guess that he is interested in a relationship. Try and get some verbal commitment and don’t buy the argument about not being a man of many words. If he is interested, whatever amount of words it takes should be communicated verbally followed up by commensurate action.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
