Homewrecker blues
Dear Counsellor,
I was with my boyfriend two years before his divorce from his wife. It is said I am the one who caused the end of his marriage. They were a well-known couple so I have to live with that every day. His daughters are grown women and they hate me, I guess for the same reason. We have been together for six years now. He is quite a catch and I feel blessed that he chose me. But he also has a reputation of being a womaniser. He has convinced me that I am his girlfriend and he profiles only with me, but in the back of my mind I think he has other women, but is keeping them hidden. I am wondering if the dissolution of his marriage will come back to haunt me — after all, I was his girlfriend on the side. What is your advice?
Let’s retrace your story. You had been playing the role of the other woman, or side chick, with a married man for two years prior to his divorce, and the man’s children and others blame you for the dissolution of his marriage. So what say you? Any truth in that assertion? Did you in fact play an active role in breaking up this gentleman’s marriage, or were you just an innocent bystander and he had already made up his mind to move on? Whatever the facts may be, as you declared, you will have to live with the stigma of being responsible for the break-up of his marriage.
So now that you have secured this wonderful “catch”, you don’t seem quite secure in the relationship. You are now wondering and maybe are even convinced that he has other women that he may be seeing discreetly and that what happened to his wife may happen to you. Could you be displaced by another side chick, based on his womanising ways? Your thoughts are not far-fetched, as living with someone with such a reputation can cause one to be suspicious, especially since you were an active participant in his extramarital affair.
You have been in this relationship for six years. What are the plans for the future? Is marriage on the cards? Maybe for him remarriage may not be an option for now. Are you OK with that? Are you satisfied to profile with him as just his girlfriend and not his wife? If he is a womaniser as you claim, marriage may not be an appropriate fit as his unmarried status gives him freer access to roam and maintain his reputation.
Sometimes we make life decisions that, as you say, will haunt us, but we believe when we made them they were in our best interest and so we were prepared to deal with the consequences.
You did not enter this relationship blindly; you were quite aware of the personality and wandering ways of the gentleman, but you proceeded as you thought that the pros far outweighed the cons. You are, however, uncomfortable in the relationship and are mindful of the possible visitation of karma.
You need to sit down and ask yourself some critical questions — Am I getting as much as I have given up and am presently giving, including my reputation, for this relationship? Will I continue to be the girlfriend indefinitely? What are the plans I have for my personal and career development? Are they in line with my partner’s plans for me and the relationship?
Whatever decisions you make regarding the future of the relationship, make sure they are in your best interest.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
