Something keeps pulling me back
I am 27 and have been in a relationship for one year. We communicated for two months before meeting each other and becoming intimate. The problem is, when he went overseas to work, our relationship started to go downhill. I called his phone and a woman answered, claiming to be his fiancée. I was heartbroken. I told him it was over. He begged me for months and explained that he did it for business reasons.
To make things worse, I cheated with someone else. It happened because I was seeking emotional support. The thought of my boyfriend couldn’t leave my mind. I craved him every day. I did everything but I just couldn’t forget him. I admitted to him that I cheated and he was devastated, but he forgave me. I decided to give him a second chance when I realised that I couldn’t let him go.
We were both happy to give the relationship another chance. He is the only man I have met who I can be myself around. He makes me laugh and smile, he understands me, and he listens. We want to get married in the future but we don’t think we’ll get approval from my family as my mom is not fond of him.
Nowadays he does not communicate with me as he did before. I have spoken to him on several occasions but there is little change. Sometimes I want to leave, but something keeps pulling me back to him. He has been asking me to have a child. I feel like granting him his wish sometimes, but I don’t know if I’m ready for the responsibility as I need a job and my own dwelling. I appreciate anything that he does, but sometimes I feel like he can do more. Sometimes I feel lonely. Many times I need him but I can’t get through to him. We break up and make up several times.
What is your advice?
You seem to be allowing your heart to rule your head, and as such your need for emotional support and attachment supersedes rational thinking and action. Sometimes in our anxiety to secure love and attention from someone else we disregard the factors indicating that interpersonal problems are imminent.
Some people can testify to the notion of love at first sight, and so becoming sexually intimate with a person after meeting them for a month or two is no big deal. In your case, would you say that you may have moved to the second base even before you secured first base? Wouldn’t it have made sense to get to know much more about the character of this man? In other words, building the foundation for the relationship should have been your priority.
It is not surprising that when Mr Mention went overseas he did what he did, as his personal plans and ambitions don’t align with yours. This practice of arranged marriages, while not uncommon, speaks to the integrity or lack thereof of the individual.
Again, your desire for emotional support drove you into the arms of another man, which indicates your own vulnerability and need for developing personal affirmation and self-control.
Your undying love for this man is worrying, as he does not seem to feel the same way about you. It will only mean you will be giving more than you are getting out of the relationship and increase the heartache and pain that you are now experiencing. The fact that he no longer communicates with you as he did before should be a warning to you.
The talk about having a child for him is an attempt on your part to keep him in your life, but this would be a move of desperation. Please consider carefully the problems associated with bringing a child into the world who will not have a stable family foundation.
The volatile status which is a regular feature of the relationship suggests instability and fickleness, showing two adults who are playing some form of hide-and-seek love game. A relationship cannot be built on indecisiveness.
It is highly recommended that you seek individual counselling to address the self-esteem and attachment issues you may be having. You have to learn to affirm yourself and not be totally dependent on someone else to make you feel good about yourself.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
