My married ex wants me back
Dear Counsellor,
I am a 33-year-old woman, married for 14 years. I broke up with my ex 15 years ago. We didn’t fight, it was just a lack of communication because I relocated. He keeps telling me that he still loves me and that his wife is cheating on him. My husband abuses me financially, physically and emotionally. My ex wants me back and I also miss him. I am confused. Please help me.
Sometimes in affairs of the heart, what appears to be the ideal situation does not happen as a prior decision was made that changed the course of events. You are thinking that if the relocation hadn’t taken place 15 years ago you would not be in the predicament you are in today. You could be right or you could be wrong. The truth is you would never know unless you were in the situation. Much could have happened over that stretch of time and people can change.
So let’s look at your home situation. You mentioned that you are suffering physical and emotional abuse from your husband. You must be aware that abuse of any shape or form should not be accepted, and the abused person must take active steps to safeguard him/herself against any such act of violence or intimidation. It should not matter how long you have been married; if you are in an abusive relationship and your self-esteem is impaired and your life endangered, then you have to seek help for yourself, your spouse and the relationship. The longer you take to deal with the matter, the deeper the marital relationship will sink into an abyss that would be difficult to get out of.
Reconnecting with your ex who has marital problems of his own may not be a wise thing to do. As I mentioned earlier, there is no guarantee that, if you both should divorce your respective spouses and marry each other, you both would live happily ever after. Although you may know each other, a 15-year break can effect some changes that you may not be aware of until you are in the situation, and then you’d say to yourself, “This is not the person whom I knew 15 years ago.” Notwithstanding, there have been success stories of exes reuniting after years of being apart.
In the meanwhile it would be best if you both work on fixing your individual circumstances first. If after your best efforts, which include counselling intervention, there is no improvement, then consideration may be given to what you are both contemplating. However, if you both decide to reunite, bear in mind the legal, financial, psychological and emotional challenges that would be involved in the process.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
