I’m the man on the side
Dear Counsellor
I met this girl last year. She’s with me, but she has told me about her man who is in the United States. The relationship has been patchy and she said she does not love him. But things have changed of late. They exchange pictures and erotic e-mails, they even plan to wed. But she says she has no intention of letting go of me just yet.
She is lonely and wants my company, emotional support and affection. She doesn’t want to be alone. The man calls, they exchange pictures, and despite the distance they seem to be close. I seem to be like a plan B. Please give me some advice.
It appears that your lady friend is ensuring that she remains covered as far as her emotional and physical needs are concerned. So while her partner is physically absent, you fill that gap while he supplies her with emotional sustenance.
If there will be a wedding and you will not be the groom, then it does appear that you could well be the plan B. Will she be moving overseas to join him while you remain behind? What then would your role be? Would there be a switch of roles where you would be the emotional supporter and her husband the physical provider?
You have to decide if you want to play this “having the best of both worlds” game with her. She is being unfaithful to her partner whom she will be marrying soon, and you are facilitating her infidelity. Shouldn’t this tell you something about this lady’s integrity or lack thereof?
Suppose you were the husband-to-be. Would you be expecting your wife-to-be to be fooling around with someone else? Is it that you plan to be her interim man until she gets married?
You may have to borrow some tools from business studies and do a cost-benefit analysis of this relationship. If you stand to lose more than you would gain from being part of this ménage à trois, then it seems obvious what you should do.
If, on the other hand, you are comfortable with this arrangement and you choose to go with the flow, bear in mind that when the time comes for the physical separation, it could cause you much emotional pain and distress.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
