Man abroad wants to support me
Dear Counsellor,
Recently, I’ve been having trouble finding a job. I have a male friend who lives overseas who would like to help me financially. I have known him for years and he has always been upfront about his feelings for me. He says he wants to marry me but I just don’t feel the same way. I love him, just not the way he loves me. My pride also won’t allow me to accept a monthly allowance from him, even though he says it comes with no strings attached. Recently he suggested giving me capital to start a business. I go over the idea in my head daily but I still don’t know what to do. Do I take it and pay it back once my company starts generating income? Or do I continue handing out résumés hoping to get a job?
Sometimes in life we are faced with situations that force us to make a decision based on our moral teachings and parental upbringing. Most parents would encourage their children, particularly their daughters, to get an education and a job and not be dependent on men for financial support. Alternatively, there are some mothers who take the opposite view and instruct their daughters to get as much as they can from men — including money, apartments, cars, the whole nine yards if possible.
But like everything, there are consequences for decisions we take, good or bad. Let’s examine both situations quickly.
If you accept the monthly allowance and the capital investment for the business, you would be able to accomplish quite a lot without actually exhausting your personal funds. On the other hand, if you reject the offer you would have to bear the burden of taking care of your personal bills and approach a financial institution for the starting capital for the business, which can be an overwhelming and distressing experience.
In the first scenario, regardless of what you might have been told concerning “no strings attached”, the consequence could be that you will have to repay in cash or kind now or later.
In the second scenario, the consequence is that you would have to shed more blood, sweat and tears to accomplish your goals. In the first you would be indebted to someone, and in the second you would be indebted to the financial institutions that would only be interested in cash payback and not kind.
It does appear that Mr Mention has serious intentions towards you as he has declared his love and his desire to marry you. Would he have made the offer if he did not have intentions of settling down with you? You obviously are not in that love zone just yet. Would you feel obligated to marry him seeing that he has invested financial resources in your business and interest in your personal well-being?
Job searching is an arduous task that can be very discouraging, but I implore you to continue the process. You may need to revamp your résumé, so speak with an HR practitioner who may be able to assist you.
As you contemplate what route to take, consider the above scenarios and then make a decision that is in your best interest and in accordance with your value system.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
