Trapped
Dear Counsellor,
I have been remarried for the past year. I met my husband when I was just getting over a divorce from my children’s father, getting back on my feet, and going back to school. As a single mom it wasn’t easy but I was handling it. This man came with all the gentlemanly charm and I just fell for all that and got pregnant for him soon after. It happened that I ended up losing the baby at six months as I had a lot of complications. Well, we got married soon after and that’s when all hell broke loose. I found out that he did not own a home as he’d said, and his family didn’t let me know that he was broke until after we got married. I now know I was being a fool, but I wanted to do the right thing as a Christian. I am feeling trapped and I want out because he can’t help me. He has changed so much and is unkind to me. He shouts at me and doesn’t want anyone to call on weekends, saying it’s his time, yet he doesn’t really talk to me. He shouts at the children for almost everything and on top of that I am stressed because I am doing more than I can do with my funds. Honestly, I don’t see us going anywhere. It is hard on me trying to maintain the family on my salary. I really don’t know if I can take this anymore. He flares up whenever I talk about money, yet he spends recklessly. I am giving and keep giving and now I am tired. I need help.
Sometimes in life we come across the ‘grass is greener on the other side’ moments and interact with wolves in sheep’s clothing. In our vulnerable or hopeful state we get pulled in, only to realise too late that our expectations do not line up with reality. And as we live, we learn from our mistakes.
So here it is you closed the chapter on your first marriage and were trying to manage on your own as a single mother. Going back to school was one of your goals and you were no doubt ready and raring to go, but your need for emotional attachment and support created a distraction.
It is not unusual for divorcées to form new relationships soon after the dissolution of a marriage, especially if they were unaccustomed to being single. Many times though, not enough due diligence is done prior to getting involved with the new person, and our judgement becomes clouded and we end up making thoughtless decisions. Sometimes a calamity could be interpreted as a blessing in disguise, as bringing a child into this dysfunctional marital relationship could cause more distress than you need at this time. If your children are not getting much support from your current husband, there is no guarantee that he would step up to his fatherly responsibilities on the arrival of another baby.
A wise person once said that as Christians, Christ removes our sins not our senses, and so we are expected to make rational decisions that are in our best interest and supportive of psychological health and well-being.
You are experiencing emotional abuse which can result in depression and so you need to reach out for professional help as soon as possible and make an appointment to see a counsellor. If your husband is resistant to couple’s counselling, you need to attend in order to get help to cope with the challenges in your life.
Try not to forever beat yourself up for the ill-conceived decisions you have made in the past. We all have made blunders at some stage in our lives. We all have those ‘if I knew then what I know now’ moments. The key is to try and learn from the errors and not repeat them.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
