His babymother still sends him gifts
Dear Counsellor,
I’ve been in a serious relationship for two and a half years now. We have been living together for almost a year. He had a daughter before we got together. She is one year old. My problem is that his babymother gave him a gift on Father’s Day and on his birthday. I do not think he should be accepting her gifts because she is still in love with him and it looks like she is trying to buy her way back into his life. He is saying he cannot stop people from giving him stuff, but I don’t accept that. My point is, if he does not accept them, then she will understand that he does not want anything from her. I just think that they should only be communicating about their daughter and nothing else.
He says he has no interest in her and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am just not comfortable with these gifts, and he opens them when I am at work and when I go home I see them in the room and on the dresser.
The next thing is that he wants to have a child before marriage and I don’t, and this is something that we cannot seem to agree on. We want separate things.
Some babyfathers don’t seem to want to draw boundary lines between themselves and their babymothers. So, instead of relating to the babymother only and except with issues concerning the child, they leave the door open and continue on with business as usual. So girlfriends/wives like yourself are left trying to force them to establish clear lines of demarcation.
What are the likely reasons that would make some of these babyfathers fail to take a stand?
1. He maybe a deadbeat dad and so the child’s mother may threaten to take him to family court if he does not pay her some attention;
2. He may very well wish to remain an integral part of her life for obvious reasons (maybe sexual and/or financial);
3. He may still be in love with her and is not prepared to let go;
4. She may still be in love with him and will shower him with gifts and “goodies” he can’t refuse.
According to what you are saying, it could be the last and that he is encouraging her by accepting the gifts. That could well be the case, or it could be she is trying to ensure he remains in the child’s life and so the gifts are expressions of appreciation for him being a good father. Maybe when the child grows up she will take on the gift-giving responsibilities, and so she is just starting a trend that she hopes the child will carry on when she is able to.
The truth, though, is that the mother of the child will always have a place in the man’s life whether or not the relationship between them is severed. She will always have access to him, particularly if the child is an infant, and so as the girlfriend you will have to be aware of that fact.
However, you are correct. If he claims that he has no interest in her and wants you to hold that significant other position in his life, then he must institute certain boundaries. Accepting and parading the gifts is being somewhat insensitive to your feelings and sends the wrong signals to both you and her.
If his defence is that he can’t stop her from showering him with gifts, it appears that he is comfortable with the present arrangement, and the argument that he does not have any interest in her is erroneous. Why then would you be willing to accept and show off gifts from someone whom you don’t really care for? Could he not accept these gifts? No doubt he could. If there is no receiver, there will be no giver. As you contemplate starting a family with the gentleman, be mindful of not being regarded as babymother number two. If you are not comfortable with such an arrangement, do what you think is necessary and is in your best interest.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
