He’s not interested
Dear Counsellor,
I am a 22-year-old woman who is in a relationship with a 23-year-old man. We have been together for five months, never had sex, and it seems as if he is not interested in the relationship. We hardly see each other and he hardly talks to me on the phone. It’s as if he doesn’t know how to communicate. When I try, he doesn’t respond, so I just stopped. I started texting him the way he does with me, but I am frustrated because this is not my style. I don’t know what he wants.
It appears that your assessment of this young man is probably on point. He may actually not know how to communicate with someone on an intimate level. It could be that he has never been in a serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and is not very aware of the expectations. If this is the case, then you may have to patiently and gently guide him along. It is important that you try not to force him to do what he is not comfortable doing or compare him to other young men. These actions may further push him away.
It is interesting that you mentioned that after five months of being acquainted you both have not had sex. It could be that the young man is guided by some moral standards that inform his decision not to engage in premarital sex. Sex should not be a specific indicator of the success or failure of a relationship, particularly in the early stages. It must be a decision that both partners mutually agree on.
Technology has made it quite easy to communicate by using our fingers rather than our lips. So some couples communicate with each other via text messaging rather than face-to-face, which is a main source of communication breakdown in relationships. One can understand your frustration with this method of communication as text messaging is quite indirect and does not communicate true feelings despite the use of emojis. You are correct, a relationship can’t survive on minimal communication, particularly if the couple is relatively close in terms of proximity. And it will fall apart if one partner shuts down the other’s attempts at reaching out to engage in conversation. To avoid an argument, you withdraw, but you are still not happy with the situation and so resentment and frustration build up. Another explanation to what is going on is that the young man may not be interested in a long-term relationship and so is very noncommittal. He may want to terminate the relationship and is sending you hints as he may not have the courage to inform you face-to-face.
The only way to clear up these speculations is to have a serious face-to-face conversation with him. Tell him that you need to have an urgent heart-to-heart with him to discuss the present state of the relationship. Let him know that you are not happy with what is going on now, and that this meeting will determine the future of the relationship.
If he refuses or takes a nonchalant approach, then you must read the messages he is sending and do what is in your best interests.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
