I want a trustworthy, loyal partner

DEAR COUNSELLOR,

I am 26, living with my boyfriend, and we have a wonderful baby girl. My boyfriend has been cheating on me. I found out and he apologised, and said he is trying to fix things and I should give him another chance. I know this girl’s intentions; they have been friends and I kept warning him about her. They met and he did the same foolishness. He is saying they are not in a relationship as he has no feelings for her. I am fed up of this as I don’t think he values our relationship. He keeps his phone on silent when I am around and takes it off when I am not home or when he is out. Apart from all that, he takes care of me and has helped me go back to school. But I want a trustworthy, loyal partner. I believe he and the girl are still interacting as he is always texting at certain times.

There are some men who believe they have everything under control and do not heed the warnings of women who would know each other’s cunning intentions. They are led by the women’s magnetic appeal and before they know it, they are too far gone and then must go into damage control mode to safeguard the relationship.

So when Mr Mention says that he is trying to fix the situation and that you should give him a chance, what he is in fact saying is that he must find a way to tell the other woman that he no longer wants to carry on with the relationship with her. But the challenge could be that she may not accept the walking papers gracefully, or maybe he does not want to, hoping you will eventually work with the programme.

Sometimes platonic friendships have a way of transitioning into romantic relationships that both people never intended, but with constant communication they develop an emotional attachment to each other. Could that be the case with your boyfriend? Many times boundary lines are not clearly established and the people involved are unable or unwilling to fix the problematic circumstances.

His remark that he has no feelings for the other woman may well be true, but as you are no doubt aware, most men do not need an emotional connection for them to be sexual.

If he gave you the assurance that he is dealing with the situation, then one way to demonstrate this is to display honesty and transparency. If you are correct that he is still communicating with the other woman via text messaging when he is home particularly, then the trust will continue to deteriorate and the relationship eventually disintegrate.

Some women would say that based on the fact that the gentleman provides for you financially, you should just be contented and allow him to have his outside fun. But you, like many other women, would be more contented with a relationship that is grounded in emotional stability rather than financial security. Both are important, mind you, but there needs to be an equal balance.

As you contemplate your options, use the opportunity to do some introspection to see if there are some attitudes and actions on your part that may be a turn-off for him. Are you too preoccupied with the baby girl and not giving him enough attention? He too would have to play his part in being present physically and emotionally to support you in caring for the child.

If you both have a serious talk about your concerns and how it would likely affect the future of the relationship and there is no change, then you both may want to see a counsellor to help chart the way forward.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.