The things you’ll never be able to change about your partner
ADMIT it. We have all wished at some time or another that our partners were malleable and that we could mould one part of them to what in our eyes is closer to perfection. But while there are some things that we may be able to change or improve about our partners, there are other things that are too deeply rooted or impossible to change.
Associate Counselling Psychologist at Family Life Ministries, Benita Morrison, citing Albert Einstein’s famous quote, “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed,” has weighed in on the topic to share a list of things that you won’t be able to change about your significant other, no matter how hard you try.
His/her personality
“Personality is defined as a person’s unique pattern of thinking, emotions, and behaviour. It’s a special blend of talents, values, hopes, etc, that make each of us a unique person. So if I am a ‘Type A’ person — I’m more competitive, outgoing, ambitious, impatient and/or aggressive, while a person who is more relaxed is labelled ‘Type B’.” She pointed out that these core personality traits are hardwired and are therefore irreversible, which means that no amount of talking or nagging will change them.
His/her genes
A person’s genes refer to hereditary information which is inherited from their parents. “This determines if your partner will be tall/short, fat/slim [as well as other physical and cognitive features]. So if your partner is going to be fat (or slim), it makes no sense harassing him/her to lose (or gain) weight, which might just not be possible,” Morrison said. She said when hereditary issues are among your greatest concerns, you may want to learn to live with the person as he/she is.
Their family or origin
“It is important that you understand that your partner is from a family, and you can’t change that family or the relationship your partner has with his/her family,” Morrison said. She pointed out that family would have been foundational to the development of your partner, and would have had an impact on the values which your partner now has. “Try not to interfere with that relationship, as you could be interfering with something very dear to your partner. The sooner you learn to accept that family, the better the relationship will be with your partner,” Morrison advised.
His/her hobbies
“It is quite likely that these might be linked to personality, as your personality might dictate what you enjoy doing,” Morrison said. She pointed out that if your partner enjoys a particular hobby, try to encourage and support it rather than dictate what you would like to see the person do. This, she said, might result in a very miserable partner.
His/her past
“We cannot change what has happened already. The past is the past. It has already happened. It is always good to be transparent so there are no surprises,” Morrison recommended. She noted, however, that there is no benefit in rehashing the past, especially if it is not something positive. It will only result in constant conflict with your partner. If there is a problem, deal with the issue at hand and not with the past.
Morrison said that it is important to be sensitive to your partner’s feelings, especially concerning issues that are beyond their control.
“It is important to always remember that your partner is human and subject to flaws just like you, and accepting these will help you to have a better relationship with your partner. And should this ever become difficult, remember Reinhold Niebuhr’s quote, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
