A quagmire of cheating
Dear Counsellor,
I have been with my child’s father for over 10 years. When we started to date I was with someone else and so was he. When both our partners found out, we decided to commit to each other. I have stayed faithful to this man from the moment we committed to each other. But after I told him I was pregnant, everything changed. He started to cheat, to disrespect me in every way and to call me names each time I asked him about his women.
I still love this man dearly. But each time I search his phone I find something new. A girl came between us and I was so overwhelmed that I cheated. He found out and retaliated by taking on a married woman and introducing our child to her. She called me to verify if we were still together because he told her we weren’t.
I’m devastated because this is the man I want to spend my life with. I cheated again, but he won’t stop — the girl is still there. I’m tired of all the drama, so I called her. She told me that he doesn’t want me and that I keep throwing myself at him. Sometimes I wonder if he’s really mine. I want to know if I’m fighting a battle that I can’t win. I am still fighting for us. Please give me your advice.
Let’s start where you ended. So after 10 years of being with your child’s father, you have made a very interesting statement, “…I am still fighting for us.” If that is really the case, then you will be in an emotional and psychological turmoil for a long time. If you are the one fighting to keep the relationship together and your partner offers no contribution to its survival, you may indeed be fighting a losing battle.
If you were to look back over the years of the relationship, what would you say keeps cropping up like a recurring decimal? Unfaithfulness. You are both trying to outdo each other in the cheating game. You both were in committed relationships but started seeing each other anyway, and so the trend continued even though you both are supposedly a bona fide couple.
You reported that the disrespect and abuse began after you got pregnant. That could suggest that a baby was not on his agenda and that he wanted to maintain the same kind of thrill he had while he was “stealing love on the side”. Now that you are both together, the excitement is no longer there, and bringing a third person into the mix would also mean his attention and fun time may be reduced significantly.
So he has gone searching for what he had with you when you both met some years ago. Looks familiar? And interestingly, you are doing the same thing with the hope that he will change his wayward ways. I hardly think he will.
The most unfortunate thing in this situation is that an innocent child is caught in the middle while his/her parents, two grown adults, are playing “bun fi bun”. Consider the damaging effects this must be having on your little one.
I implore you both to stop the selfish fooling around and realise that this messy situation cannot continue. Sit down and have a grown-up conversation and decide if you both want to be together.
However, your mutual irresponsible behaviour suggests that you should both go your separate ways. If you need professional help, don’t hesitate to see a counsellor. All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
