After the affair, what happens to your relationship?

SURVIVING an affair is difficult, especially when you are the offended party. And while many commit to practising forgiveness by offering their cheating partners a second chance, strain and tension will continue to plague the relationship — some short-term, while others will last for the life of the union.

“Research has shown that people engage in extramarital affairs for different reasons — many of which are not sexual. Some of these reasons are basic to relationships — disagreement on fundamental values, differing priorities in life, feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner, feeling the need for attention, not feeling heard or understood by a partner, or growing apart. Recognise, however, that no reason given makes an extramarital affair acceptable,” Associate Counselling Psychologist at Family Life Ministries, Benita Morrison, told All Woman.

She noted that affairs usually result in feelings of dismay for the unfaithful partner, and devastation for the offended spouse.

She noted that most relationships marred by infidelity go through a natural process — especially when partners decide to salvage something from the wreckage:

1. The injured partner needs time to heal

“Having confessed, expressed sorrow, or shown remorse at what had taken place, the culprit might be expecting immediate forgiveness from the spouse,” Morrison said. She noted that this forgiveness, however, is not readily forthcoming as the offended spouse will need time to work through his/her pain.

2. Proof that the affair has ended

The injured spouse will need the guarantee that the affair has ended; otherwise the relationship will continue to be in limbo. Morrison said that this will not come just by the culprit making a promise, since it’s difficult for trust to be restored. More tangible proof is absolutely essential.

3. Sometimes there is a desire for revenge

Using the 1995 book Torn Asunder (Recovering from Extramarital Affairs) as reference, Morrison said that the injured partner sometimes believes ‘the only lasting remedy is for the culprit to feel the agony he has caused the spouse’. This can sometimes see the injured party becoming involved with someone else as a way to suppress their pain.

4. The cheating partner is remorseful

“If he/she truly loves his/her spouse, that will be so painful that there will be no desire to do it again,” Morrison said. He or she may never do it again, but it is difficult for the injured party to trust that they won’t.

5. The injured party becomes insecure

Not only will the injured party struggle with feelings of inadequacy and loss of self-esteem, it will take time for them to get past this.

Morrison said that moving forward will require working with each other and sometimes with a third party, preferably a counsellor, for the healthiest recovery that that could be achieved.

All Woman also asked the offenders and the offended to share how an affair changed or didn’t change their relationship. Here’s what they said:

Hope:

Two years after the affair, I am still with my boyfriend, now my fiancé. I don’t know if I ever truly got over it. I constantly try to make sure that I look better and achieve more than these girls he cheated with. I have noticed that I love him more but trust him less. I constantly desire going through his phone, want to listen to his conversations, want to know where he is, what he told those women about me; my mind is just always going, always reaching unhealthy places, so I know I haven’t healed.

Nikoy:

I was a womaniser, but you ever hear them say there is always one girl out there that can ‘tame’ any man? I found that girl, but even then I cheated on her, hurt her and ripped her apart. I am on my third strike and I am working hard to be a better man, trying not to so much as flirt, because she is now so untrusting. She doesn’t give me space. She is suspicious of every woman friend that I have ­­— it’s just a big mess. It’s no fun being in a relationship with a damaged woman. If I were to be truthful, it’s uncomfortable as hell.

Tina:

I am a Christian and a firm believer in forgiveness. When I got married I made a solemn vow before God, and thankfully we have an amazing counselling team at church. When my husband decided to find comfort in the arms of another woman, I was hurt. I did everything for this man, so yes I was angry, as he was ungrateful in my eyes. But through counselling I saw his remorse, I saw how I could have been more supportive and more open — you know, a little less busy. We are working on it and I would be lying if from time to time it doesn’t make me a little angry, but my love for my husband has been able to help me to live past that.

Michelle:

When you’ve been with a serial cheater, then you know there is not really a relationship afterwards. You obsess with the idea of him cheating; you wonder why you couldn’t satisfy him, and you torture yourself to try to understand the reason behind the actions of someone that didn’t even love you enough to keep it in his pants. My advice: if you’re with someone who cheats over and over, chances are he’s never gonna change. So you will forever be miserable.

Sean:

A woman ‘give mi bun’ already, and I won’t lie, it was a girl I saw a future with — one of those Goody Two-Shoes. She gave me a real shock. You simply can’t have a relationship with the devil’s wife after you find out. You have to send her back to him.