I can’t maintain long-term relationships
Dear Counsellor,
I’m in need of some advice and I don’t want to go to my pastor as I don’t want to worry her. I’m a Christian Pentecostal, so therefore I’m celibate. I’m not ugly, however, I just suck at relationships. I get brothers to turn heads and we may communicate for up to two months, but it just never gets past that. I think my past may have messed terribly with my head and now I’m almost 32 and still single. I was getting to know someone for six months (by the way that’s a record breaker) then he just told me he needed to take a break. I have messed up in my Christian walk before. I have been hurt and rejected and my childhood has been a rough one and I think due to this I’m unable to keep a good man. It’s sad, but it is true. I continuously accuse these men of cheating. I look for every reason to accuse them of being unfaithful. I hate myself for it and it’s ruining me, and before you know it my eggs will be dried up inside me and I won’t be able to bring forth a child because I would have caused good men to pass me by.
Please give me your best advice.
It is always best to work on personal shortcomings that might stand in the way of interpersonal relationships. There might be some unresolved issues of childhood that had to do with attachment or lack thereof or matters related to past hurts, distrust and abuse. These matters, if not addressed in a timely manner, can negatively impact our relationships at all levels, particularly on the intimate level.
So according to you, physically you are attractive but your disposition might be a turn-off for men you get close to. Certainly, the continuous pestering and accusations will drive away anyone who would want to share time and space with you. This behaviour pattern is consistent with women and men who have had personal experiences of unfaithfulness or have witnessed the same in their family of origin. They become overly protective and are critical, vigilant, and suspicious of anyone who remotely reminds them of the past. The person on the receiving end can only endure so much and no more and will retreat as soon as they think they have had enough.
What is commendable is that you have acknowledged your weaknesses unlike many who fail to accept responsibility for their actions and live in a state of denial.
What you need to do is sit with a counsellor and work through the unresolved issues.
The desire to have a child can also be a deterrent to some men who do not have rearing of children on their agenda at this time. So when you approach these men who are not ready to start a family, they may also depart after they become aware of your desperation to have a child.
Please be careful not to allow your need to have a child to push you into a relationship, get married and have a child within a short time span. One appreciates the maternal instincts phenomenon, but it is always recommended that the couple bond with each other for at least two years before bringing a third person into the mix.
As you know, being a committed Christian, the option of just getting a sperm donor to impregnate you may not be a feasible idea.
In the interim, all the qualities you are looking for in a mate, make sure you possess most of them or are working on them.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
