Caught in a cheating web

Dear Counsellor,

My husband cheated on me and I cheated back. We decided to work out things by ourselves, but our efforts are proving futile. I contacted two of my exes, flirted with them, and he did the same with his. The problem is, we have a child together and she sometimes calls these women ‘mommy’, which is worrying to me and confusing to her. We’re both caught in a cheating web and can’t seem to help ourselves. Please help.

There are obvious problems in the relationship, and instead of seriously working on the issues, you both have decided to play the very popular cheating game, “bun fi bun”.

The truth with this game is that nobody wins, and the players are usually left emotionally exhausted and hurt. Vengeance is the motive, and the fun lasts only for a fleeting moment until the couple returns to their senses and recognises the folly of their ways.

So, as you both indulge in your selfish pleasure rides, your poor little girl is caught in this spiderweb of cheating. An innocent child who has nothing to do with your vengeful adult games now finds herself confused, having to relate to strangers and being perplexed with the multiple moms (and dads) she encounters.

The fact that you have expressed some concern for your child seems to indicate that your conscience is bothering you.

What are the real issues? You and your husband are reacting to the symptoms and not the cause. What are the underlying factors resulting in the need for both of you to engage in extramarital relationships? What is missing on the inside that is readily available on the outside?

This is the basis for the conversation that you both need to have. If it is difficult to have that discussion by yourselves, then do seek the intervention of a counsellor.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.