In love with a Married Man

Dear Counsellor,

I am frustrated. I am a single woman, but most of my male friends are either in relationships or married. Recently I found myself in a very trying situation where I began falling in love with a married friend. He has shared that he and his wife are just coexisting at home, and that their love has died. I have good reason to believe this, as she posts pictures of her new love online; however, my friend still shares a home with her and they have small children. I guess they are sticking it out for the sake of the kids. Now, this man is well known in society, and so am I. He treats me well and has made me feel alive. A side of me that felt dead for the years I was single has certainly come alive. I am in my 20s, and he is in his 40s. Please advise me how to move forward. I don’t want to prejudge, indulge, and then get left out in the cold.  Single people, though available, are also very vulnerable, and should ensure that their heads are properly attached to their bodies. Despite the need for emotional attachment, the single guy/girl should be careful not to let the heart rule the head. Having said that, let’s examine your situation closely.After being single for a while, you met and began to develop feelings for a married man who is much older than you. He has informed you that he and his wife are estranged but still share the same home, albeit for the children’s sake.It is common for married couples to remain together for the children’s sake, and there is a debate as to whether that is a wise decision, because invariably the children will know that mom and dad are not getting along. The deafening silence or the verbal clashes will signal trouble in the camp.You must realise that even though the couple may not share an intimate relationship now, they are still married and have other responsibilities and obligations that they must deal with as a couple. The fact is that they still share space as a family, and must communicate, no matter how little. You must be prepared to deal with the fact that he cannot give you 100 per cent of his time, as in reality he is not single.Another concern that you may not consider important, but which must not be overlooked, is the age difference. Being in your 20s, your focus would be on educational and career development, and trying to ensure that you are financially independent and secure. Admittedly you want to fulfil your need for a significant other, but be careful how you navigate this relationship road which can have some treacherous potholes. Undeniably, someone who is much older and who is more experienced can take advantage of your youthfulness and naïveté.You will certainly feel energised because your emotional flames are being lit, and as you said, he makes you feel alive by satisfying your need for attention and affection. Do remember, though, that this is the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship, and this is exactly what is supposed to happen. I am not suggesting that what you are getting into is doomed, but just be aware of all the possibilities.As you contemplate your move forward, more so as a public figure, do appreciate that social and traditional media will highlight those areas that you would prefer to remain private, and so the less you give the public commentators to talk about, the better for you both. Is it that your picture will soon be posted as his new love online? Are you ready for the “video lights”?Do a pros and cons analysis of the situation and make your decision based not only on your immediate pleasure, but also on the possible long-term payoffs. 

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.