I can’t find a man
Dear Counsellor,
I am a few weeks away from celebrating my 25th birthday and I’ve been single for the past four years. I am somewhat distraught as I think by age 25 I should have at least met someone and be aiming at settling down and looking to the future. I am actively involved in my church and community and go out in that regard, and I lead a decent social life, going out with friends, catching the latest plays, films, or just hanging out. So it’s not that I am cooped up at home trying to find the man of my dreams. I need some advice, as I’m beginning to think maybe singleness is my calling.
Growing up, we are socialised by the school, church, community and our families that we should go to school and get a sound education, get a good job and by the time we reach our 20s we should have a steady boyfriend/girlfriend. In our 30s we are expected to be married, have a beautiful home, car, adorable child/children and live happily ever after.This is the perfect picture that all of us strive to create, and when for whatever reason we fail to accomplish those milestones, we become anxious, frustrated and depressed. The truth is, each of us has a personal map for our lives that is unique to us, and any attempt to fast-track or push-start the process can cause emotional hurt.So here it is you are approaching your 25th birthday, and according to you, you have not been able to secure a significant other with the intention to proceed to marriage or a committed relationship. I would imagine that you may have made several attempts at relationships, but none have been successful. Sometimes in a desperate effort to establish a serious relationship we end up turning off the other person who has a different agenda.So whereas you may be interested in a long-term relationship, the guy may just want some fun and nothing else. If you were to date a young man in his 20s, chances are he will not be thinking of a full-time job. Dating a man in his 30s or 40s has its set of challenges as well; some may even be married and would not mind having a young girl on the side. So you should be conscious of what options are out there and how you will navigate the course.As you look around, you may see your friends in your age range all settled with their one and only, and you wonder what’s happening to you. You may even begin to blame yourself. The fact is that you might be the very obstacle to the progress that you seek in a relationship.I would encourage you to turn the searchlight on yourself for a while and answer the following questions:- What is my motivation for wanting to be in a relationship at this time? Companionship? Facebook status? Financial stability? Sex? Emotional support? You see, what you really want will determine the person you will target. If, for argument’s sake, you are seeking a relationship so that you can proudly display your relationship status and pictures of your beau on Facebook, then chances are you may even settle for a side chick position at age 25.You have indicated that you try to lead a decent social life and you go out to places to meet nice guys but have had no luck so far. If you get a boyfriend by age 25 and he fulfils your emotional needs, then more power to you, but if you don’t, no problem. There is no rush, as you have the privilege of time on your side, and you should not go into desperation mode, as that will certainly result in self-depreciation.Heed the advice of John Legend: “Take it slow.” If it will happen, it will happen at the right time. If it does not, then so be it, it is certainly not the end of the world, and it could well be a blessing in disguise.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
