When to demand more in a relationship

IT’s easy to become complacent in a relationship — ignoring things that would otherwise matter to you, failing to hold your partner to his or her end of the bargain, or simply living his/her truth while completely ignoring the things that you dreamed of. Whatever the reason may be, you find that you have sacrificed your happiness somewhere along the way. Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell says that in order for a relationship to remain vital and healthy, both partners need to support each other, and sometimes this can only be achieved when partners demand more of each other.

Below he shares some instances in which you may need to press the gas a little harder:

If you are putting in more than you are receiving from the relationship

You always seem to be pulling 90 per cent of the weight of the relationship. You continue to give everything that you have, pumping life into the partnership even though your investment is not being acknowledged. When this happens, you need to insist that the other party shows equal commitment to the union. Only then will your burden be lightened and you will feel equally respected and valued in the relationship.

If your partner fails to deliver on your reasonable expectations

Dissatisfaction with a relationship occurs when expectations are not met. For example, you expect honesty, financial responsibility, support in and around the house, and you expect your sexual needs to be met once they are reasonable. It is important to establish a mutual understanding of what reasonable expectations are, because these can differ from couple to couple. However, there are some things that should always be upheld, such as protecting each other’s interests.

If your partner ignores your need for emotional support

Emotional support is just as important as financial and physical support. Your partner needs to be cushioned emotionally if, for example, they are struggling at work, may have lost someone, or are in an unhappy place. It is then your duty to be there for them in a way that they may not want to invite anyone else. If this is not happening, then it is your right to demand more support. This way, they can understand what you require to be at a happier place or to keep afloat as you battle with your emotional struggles.

If you are unfulfilled in the relationship and require your partner to step up his/her game

You love your partner – no question about that, but somehow your relationship fell off the tracks while your partner turned a blind eye or has not noticed. If you want your relationship to work, then you will have to work with him/her. Discuss with your partner what changes could be made to improve your relationship. Whatever the strategy may be, you owe it to yourself to make the necessary demands to fix your relationship before it crumbles.

If your partner offers little or no support in rearing the children and sharing family responsibilities

A relationship is teamwork, and that means a partnership in doing just about everything. Many families have moved away from gender-defining roles, especially since more women are also working outside the home. However, in some relationships we see where some men still don’t want to help with caring for the children, taking care of household chores, and expect their partners to be superwomen. With so many burdens to shoulder, it’s likely to make one unhappy, and you must realise that it is in your best interest to sit your partner down and demand that he/she carry their fair share of the weight.

If your partner is uncaring and not concerned with your need for personal and career development

A relationship should involve two people who want to see the best for each other, who care about the happiness and growth of each other. When this does not happen, it defeats one of the core functions of a relationship. If your partner does not want to see you improving in your career or growing academically, then you need to demand that he/she change his/her outlook. You need to demand that he/she get with the programme, because only with this support will you truly be able to do well and enjoy your accomplishments.

If your partner fails to make his/her intentions clear

Your partner should not fail to say what it is that he/she hopes to achieve with you, whether he/she wants something long-term ending in marriage. You don’t want to be living your life in limbo, and so it is only fair that you demand that he/she be honest with you so that you can know where you stand.

— Penda Honeyghan