Philandering mate wants another chance
Dear Counsellor,
I am 36 years old, independent, humble, with a 12-year-old son, and currently pregnant. I was single for the past seven years. I am now in a 10-month relationship that is about to end. This man provides for me, but is a serial cheat and a liar. Whenever I try to end things, he begs for another chance, and this has been happening from December until now. He has women calling and texting his phone. Sometimes he avoids the calls when I am there. He comes home at 3:00 am or later, sometimes not at all, and he lies about it. I have had two miscarriages because of stress, and the doctor says it can happen again. He wants the baby, but I really don’t anymore. I have told him how I feel, but he keeps saying it’s me he needs to settle down with and build a life. Frankly, l don’t see that by his actions. Please advise me.
I can almost hear you saying to yourself, “If I knew I would have been going through this turmoil in my life now, after being single for the past seven years, I would have remained single.”
So the obvious question is this: Did you see the gentleman’s tendency to stray, but decided to ignore it, hoping that you could keep him focused?
Do you think that if you bear a child for him he will be less distracted? Evidently neither consideration has made any impact on his wayward behaviour.
I assume the statement “This man provides for me” means he offers you an acceptable degree of financial stability that allows you to take care of your bills and other financial obligations.
Unfortunately, this is what some men believe their sole responsibility should be in a relationship. Once they provide food, shelter, and take care of the bills, that should keep the woman at home happy.
Well, as you are experiencing, there is more to a relationship than providing the basic necessities of life — food, clothing and shelter.
Your gentleman, it appears, has external distractions that are keeping him out at nights. Cheating and lying are first cousins and share distinct commonalities.
The incoming calls and texts allegedly coming from other women are a clear indication of your man’s inability or reluctance to curtail his outside affairs.
Depending on what he tells these women about his relationship status, they have absolutely no qualms about contacting him at home. As they say, actions speak louder than words.
By his behaviour, it seems that he would rather retain you as the mother of his child while the other women would provide outside services.
You must take control of the situation by telling him to back up his big talk about wanting to settle down and build a life with you by making a commitment to marry you.
Surely if you are good enough to be his child’s mother, you should be good enough to be his wife. But before such discussions take place, make sure that’s what you really want.
I get the impression that you are totally fed up with his behaviour.
As far as sexual relations with other women are concerned, he must cease and desist. But can a leopard change its spots?
You must try to take it easy and not allow the situation to get you depressed. Your physical and emotional health are paramount in your present state.
Your 12-year-old son cannot be left out of the loop, as he too must be affected by the goings-on and must be protected from any negative psychological impact.
I highly recommend that you sit with a counsellor as soon as possible and have your gentleman join you as well. Stay well and take care of yourself.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
