Torn between two men

Dear Counsellor,

I am 22 and I have been in a relationship with a man for about three years now. He is in his late 40s and he lives with his girlfriend and three children. I have been attending school and he has been a tower of strength financially and emotionally, but I am a bit scared that I will spend the most important years of my life with him and the relationship won’t go further than where it is.

I met another guy who is 27 and I have got involved with him, but I have deep concerns about this liaison. He knows about my relationship with the older man, but I can tell that he’s not going to work with it for long, based on some of his comments.

I don’t know what to do. I sought advice from a family member, but she said to take it slow and not to disrespect my boyfriend because he’s helping me out and there’s no guarantee that the new guy will provide the same help.

I think that this could be my chance for a stable relationship, but I am confused.

Life has no guarantees, and so in your case you must make a choice to either stick with the evil you know or step out in faith.

But let’s look at the pros and cons of both scenarios.

Scenario 1 – pros: Mr Mention is providing financial assistance as you pursue your studies. He also provides emotional support, according to you.

Scenario 1 – cons: Mr Mention is already in a committed relationship and is the father of three children. The very wide age difference could be an issue as well.

Scenario 2 – pros: Mr Man is available and is seemingly interested in a long-term relationship.

Scenario 2 – cons: Mr Man may not have the means to assist you financially.

So, on the surface it appears that Mr Mention would be the better choice as he is able to provide the financial help that would make you debt-free. But is that all you want in a relationship? Are you satisfied with the emotional support you get now, depending on his availability…when he is not with his significant other and his children? What really is your status? The other woman? Side chick? Is that how you want to live your life as a young woman?

You are absolutely correct that the relationship won’t go much further than where it is. What you are involved in is akin to a transactional relationship — he takes care of you financially and you take care of him sexually (I assume).

For some women, such an arrangement is ideal as you don’t have to worry about any of the gentleman’s domestic needs or caring for children.

At the age of 22 and being in this relationship from age 19, this would suggest that you were made an offer that you could or chose not to refuse. You could have either rejected the offer, or as you did, accepted the benefits along with its associated costs. What is the exit clause in this relationship arrangement? If you decide to leave, would you have to repay school fees and monies received?

Looking on, it does appear that a mature man may have taken advantage of a young girl’s vulnerability and naïveté.

The younger man may not be affluent, but he may be willing to work with you to manage your financial obligations like so many other students must do. Your family member apparently is advising you to express your appreciation to Mr Mention by staying in the relationship regardless of the status you presently hold — that of side chick.

You have a promising future ahead of you as a young, intelligent woman, and so you need to learn that independence is something you are going to have to develop. Unfortunately, some sections of our culture encourage young women to find a man who will provide for them financially, and so they become totally dependent on a man for survival.

I urge you to rethink your present position and not allow yourself to be locked into a relationship that may stifle your emotional growth and development.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.