Could you be at fault for all your failed relationships?

OFTEN TIMES we find ourselves in relationships that seem to start out well, but which gradually descend into the doldrums.

In a bid to find out what went wrong, we sometimes blame external factors.

But what if the issues causing unhappiness and short-lived relationships lie with you?

According to marriage and family therapist Wayne Powell, if you are unhappy in a relationship, you should ask yourself a number of questions which may suggest what you are doing wrong. These include:

1. What do I want out of a relationship, or are my expectations too high?

Powell said sometimes we enter a relationship with expectations that our partner can’t fulfil, or expectations that were never communicated in the first place. He said when these expectations are not met with that individual, we end that relationship and move on to the next person with the hope of fulfilling those expectations, but this can be problematic.

2. Am I too accommodating or too patient?

“Sometimes we get involved with someone who has glaring problems, but we are in denial about these issues until they overwhelm us. This partner may ask for forgiveness for the umpteenth time. We pardon them today and next week they commit the same indiscretions,” he said, explaining that such a situation often results in unhappiness.

4. Am I too selective or too impatient?

The marriage and family therapist said that many people, in their bid to find the “right” partner, move from one relationship to the next in quick succession, which leaves open emotional wounds. “They tend to walk around with a profile of “Mr/Ms Right” in their purse/wallet, and when they don’t find the match, they terminate the relationship after a few months without giving themselves enough time to heal,” he said.

5. Do I usually lower my standards and abandon my value system?

Powell explained that in order to please the partner or secure the relationship, some people (especially Christians) completely disregard their moral standards and engage in activities that are primarily geared to satisfy the partner – a situation which would obviously cause unhappiness.

6. Do I use the relationship as a psychological crutch to compensate for the absence of love and affection in my childhood?

“People who enter relationships with the intention of filling a psychological void in their lives tend to be very clingy, which sometimes drives the other person away, and as such the relationship is short-lived,” he said.

7. Am I usually involved in rebound relationships?

Powell said entering a new relationship soon after you leave one is usually a recipe for disaster. “It makes a lot of sense to spend some time to do a post-mortem (evaluation) of the past relationship to help you avoid the mistakes previously made,” he explained.

8. Am I ready for a committed relationship?

The marriage and family therapist said if you are not ready to settle down but your partner is, chances are he or she will walk away after realising that you are not serious, and that will cause you to be bitter.

Powell stressed that a relationship is a serious investment that will only survive in an atmosphere of love, commitment and honesty.